let oneself go
- act in a uninhibited way.
“you need to unwind and let yourself go”
- become careless or untidy in one’s habits or appearance.
“he’s really let himself go since my mother died”
It’s that time of year when people take the opportunity of a new year, beginning to reset, change a behavior, develop a new habit, or achieve goals that have eluded them throughout the previous year. This upcoming year will be an eventful one for me. I will turn 70. My first book as a non-academic writer will be published. Caregiving for my grandson will no longer be five 6AM-4:00PM days a week and there will be hours of time to fill, or not, as I choose. I am thinking about who I might become next year in my ever ending quest of becoming the person I was always meant to be. I am visioning who she will look like, what she will do, who she might do it with. Where she might go. I will set intentions when the images become clear. I use the word intention rather than goals as objectives remind me of productivity, which reminds me of capitalism and how it corrupted my creativity, albeit with my unknowing consent. Intention speaks to desiring, dreaming and hoping and feels less controlling. It feels frothy with creativity, not labor. I use these words hoping I will then not respond in the rebellious way I have in the past whenever I have set my goals. I find them so confining I end up doing the opposite of what I wanted. I end up “letting oneself go.”
As I review the end of this year and look forward to the next one, I am confronted with the fact that I have, in the colloquial sense, “let oneself go”. I gained 20 lbs and abandoned all pretense of putting a look together or wearing make-up every day as I did when I worked as Accidental Icon. I wear baggy over shirts and athletic pants. Make-up is a rarity. I don’t like my hair. I don’t feel like me. I am trying not to care that I look and feel this way because I am so opposed to caring about it because of standards of beauty and youth. But there is a part of me that does. I’m furious that it exerts its power. In fact, I suspect that some of this grand scale indulgence that has added up to 20 pounds was a rebellion against having to meet a certain standard for the previous nine years I have spent as a public figure. I don’t recall ever feeling this way about my body before and I wonder if my time as Accidental Icon, rather than confronting standards of youth and beauty, actually made me aspire to them more than I ever did before in my life. Another unintended consequence. This is not acceptable to me. It interferes with my ability to put myself out there, to post more frequently because I feel I must include a photo. It has made me isolate myself. So it must change, but it must be gentle because I am still bruised.
There are two dictionary definitions of letting go. The first suggests someone who has become careless or untidy in one’s habits or appearance. Usually directed towards women, how often have you heard someone say, “Well, she really let herself go!” A pejorative statement often associated with gaining weight, not dying one’s hair or using make-up. My doctor assures me I am still within range of a healthy BMI and suggests I was underweight before. She tells me it is better for an older woman not to be too thin like I was before. It will increase my chances of becoming frail. A few extra ponds on my hips will provide better protection from a fall. Gaining weight seems to be a common response to loss, and I certainly experienced that during the last year. I lost my mother. I lost the life filling and creative parts of Accidental Icon. While there are huge parts of me that feel very relieved and satisfied about the not so fulfilling parts, there is a small space of emptiness that remains.
The second definition speaks to one’s ability to act in an unrestrained and uninhibited way. I have heard no one use the phrase in this meaning as a compliment. I’ve never heard it in reference to admiring someone for letting it rip, ridding themselves of toxic relationships, impossible to meet standards or finding that place of flow in their creative life… letting oneself go. Wow, she really let herself go in that piece of writing, in that painting, or whatever it may be. I know that the potential exists for letting oneself go when baking scones or gardening. I lose many minutes in a deep engagement with my grandson, but there is a particular stimulation that I miss in this new life in the suburbs. It’s intellectual. It’s a kind of conversation with others. I need it to trigger really “letting oneself go” into the work of writing.
There are times I find this conversation on-line when I Zoom with a friend. There are posts where there are such thoughtful and articulate comments in response to what I write. It’s hard to always respond as sometimes on Instagram these comments number in the hundreds. Even responding to comments on my blog takes hours. I long for a way to have these conversations that allows us to share the affect we feel while writing them. I’m sure in my response one can not see the moments when I read something you say that takes my breath away. In my imagination, I see these conversations taking place in a café over coffee or tea, or even a Zoom room, would be preferable.
When I told my sister about my “empty space” on Christmas, she noted that for most of my life I have traveled, as she put it, “120 miles an hour.” Multiple jobs, multiple degrees, multiple projects, multiple neighborhoods, traveling, always on the move. In her view, my move to the suburbs, my commitment to a home and the amount of caregiving I do brought me too abruptly down to “0 miles an hour.” She suggested I need to fill the space with something that may be more in-between, say on the scale of “40-50 miles per hour.” There was so much wisdom in her observation that I cried, feeling that comforting knowledge that someone knows me. Someone has been watching and observing, even when I didn’t believe they were. It is a remarkable gift to feel “known”.
Operating at “40-50 miles per hour” means finding that sweet spot between taking care of my health and my body because it feels right to me. Dressing with a little more care because it elevates my mood when I do. Letting myself go away from the standards that no longer serve me or under which I am required to perform as a woman. Eating as much of the right kind of food as I want, without feeling deprived or that need to rebel. Moving my body and doing exercise that does not feel like discipline but brings me a sense of well-being. A daily routine that brings health to my body and brain. One that gives me energy and bursts of serotonin to lift my mood.
For what that speed zone means for work, I believe it means that I focus deeply on one thing and not several at a time as I have done. I have never done this before, there has always been several objects of my attention. It means being unrestrained and inhibited in the doing of one thing and doing it in a way that does not create risk to my values or my sense of self because I build in the time to think and reflect on what I am doing. I return to intentions, to the things that help me find balance and live in the “40-50 miles per hour” zone. Things that I dream of, that I hope for, that I desire. To the way I must live to make sure I ride comfortably and consistently in that zone.
I want to fill my empty space with all the many things that are also part of a writer’s life. Writing does not need to be the solitary activity I have practiced it as. A notebook to jot down those small moments of daily life that can provoke me into sitting down to write an essay about something way bigger than the thing that instigates it. When I bring my imagination to it, I see this space slowly, and over time fill with writing classes, conferences, maybe even a residency where I can satisfy that need for a certain conversation. There are readings to attend and platforms where writers from all over the world meet each day to write together in silence. If you are willing to engage, you can find accountability partners, Zoom conversations with others who wish to write. Writing can be a community if you are active and make it so. If I have learned one important lesson in my time in the “0 miles per hour” zone, it is that I need to be part of a community, one that stimulates me to think and to grow. I have also understood that it will not find me, I must find it.
Beginning with this post, I will launch a Substack newsletter. My newsletter is called, “How to be Old.” And it’s Lyn Slater’s Substack. As I wrote in my previous email, that does not mean I won’t keep posting on my website, it just means you will no longer receive an email letting you know I’ve posted an essay unless you subscribe to my Substack. Substack has many features that I believe help create community; you can continue to comment, there is a chat if you want to converse in real time. I can post photos and videos and I will notify you by email when I post. You can post photos on the chat as well. Right now my Substack is free to subscribe.At some future date, I may consider adding supplemental paid content like Zoom conversations, classes, videos, more frequent writing, but I’m slowly moving from “0 to 40-50 miles per hour” so not there yet. No matter which direction I go in, there will always be an essay for free. I do hope you will consider subscribing because that will eventually become my home as a writer. At some future point, my website may become just a tool for PR and/or book selling. Not so much a place where I will write.
Here’s the link to subscribe and I really, really hope you do!
https://substack.com/inbox/post/93964786
I wish you a very happy and healthy new year. I thank you for your confidence in me as a writer. I often return to your comments when I am discouraged or doubt myself. I am so grateful to have your wisdom available as we share our “How to be Old” journey.
What are your intentions (not goals) for 2023?
How does a woman let go of things that never were a part of her to begin with? We weren’t born with make-up or dyed hair–any hair at all really–no breasts, no teeth.
When I was a young art student in the seventies, I discovered Georgia O’Keeffe for the first time, and decided I wanted to look like her when I was an old woman. Long gray hair worn up, no make-up, simple black dress, no nonsense flat sneakers.
That’s exactly what happened. I was an art professor for 33 years. Students told me that they wanted to look like me when they became old women. Long gray hair worn up, no make-up, simple black dress, no nonsense flat shoes. My barista tells me same, my local baker, same. ‘Letting yourself go’ is a subjective judgement.
The truth. You’re beautiful no matter what. You’ve let nothing go. You’re only adding on. Wisdom. Patience. Compassion. Acceptance. Savoring. And my personal favorite, the ability to appreciate and treasure beauty, in whatever form it comes your way.
P.S. Re: the black dresses. They are a beautiful linen, made by a Japanese designer, not cheap, and I have five of the same design. Gray hair and no make-up doesn’t mean inelegant grub. But of course, you know that 🙂
I don’t know how your new year’s post ended up in my inbox, but I’m glad it did. Something about the title made me curious. Many of the themes that occupy your thinking are very similar to mine but expressed more clearly. It’s nice to know a sister who gets it. My new mantra for dealing with the constant pursuit of “achievement” is “It may not be perfect, but it’s good enough.” I look forward to reading more of your essays.
That’s what i love about this blog, there are many sisters!
That look is calling to me, thank you.
It is Jan 1st, 2023, Happy New Year! Thank you so much for writing “Letting Oneself Go.” I sit here in tears after reading this as I have been struggling with articulating why I feel sort of empty at this time in my life. I turned 70 last March. I have always taken care of myself physically, been a runner and marathon runner my whole life. I’m still in great shape, having completed a marathon in 2022 to celebrate my 70th birthday. I brought up 2 great children, a son and daughter, who are doing well in their life and of whom I am very proud, they are caring people. I went back to college when my children were both in school and completed my degree. I took care of both my parents at the end of their life and am so glad I was there for them. It wasn’t easy as I was going through a divorce at the time. I have worked on and off for years in the fashion industry but only went back to work full-time after my divorce. After having been an at-home mom (but crazy busy being there for everyone; parents, kids, husband non-the-less), I managed to land some pretty cool and successful positions in the Fashion Business in Boston and New York…landed on my feet every time! I felt very fulfilled having done all this…but now what? I thought I could ride out my retirement and last third of my life feeling very proud of myself, but I’m not for some reason, oh I did in the beginning but it didn’t last. My sense of community dwindled because I’m not communicating anymore as much as I did when I was working and I don’t feel like that “wonderfully creative person,” that everyone told me I was throughout my life. My life also went from 100 miles per hour to 0 miles per hour and now I feel like “who was that person who was engaged in everything, tired at times yes, but it was exhilarating?!” Wow! what happened to me?! Hope I find some new direction in 2023, so I will definitely subscribe to Substack.com and look forward to following your journey! Thanks for sharing your personal insight, it’s nice to know other women are going through the same thing at this time in their life….
So many of us are! We’re trying to find that sweet spot that doesn’t veer over the speed limit!
I am 76. 75 was an adjustment! I believe it got easier for me turning a year older. Go figure?? I have been happily married forever. We have two successful off-spring, a boy (47) and a girl (50). One is close by to us(PA), and we help out often with her two children and their dogs. The other is about seven hours away(MA). We only see them and their two children three/four times a year when there is not a pandemic going on….. We FT weekly. We both believe we raised our children to be independent, so we allow them the gift to “be free.” That way when we see them it is because they want to see US!
My New Year’s resolutions are:
1. Do exactly what you want to do. So, we reneged on a NYE party and stayed home. Had old friends to lunch instead and watched college football alone at night.
2. Lose weight. I, too, gained 20 lbs during the pandemic. I found an excellent diet that actually works! I am halfway there! Success is a wonderful thing.
3. I am going to speak up politely when I am ignored or challenged. No more letting things go by the wayside.
4. I am gracefully going to drop any annoying acquaintances and/or friends. I have wonderful ones I can depend on, so why just collect mediocre ones.
5. Just today, I purged myself of lots of “stuff” in my clothing closet. I only wear jeans, sweaters, and blouses during the day time in my retirement. If we do go out, it is black jeans/pants tailored or dressy with silk shirts for both. So, I decided why have all this other STUFF around, GONE!
6. We have already done the next/last one, but it has brought us both more happiness and contentment than anything else. We bought a condo and settled in to it almost exactly one year ago. We have every intention to stay here together 🙂 or alone 🙁 We are well aware of the saying; “the best laid plans, etc, etc, etc.
My life is centered in and around local friends playing Canasta most any day. My husband is an avid golfer. He plays any day the weather is bearable. I believe you need to have day to day activities to wake up happy. The rest of the time fills itself in with housework, errands, appointments (doctor or necessities like haircuts). I also have a part time job, as a designer. Life is far simpler paired down. I will be ready for whatever comes along. We all know that will happen and not at all easy. Preparedness is essential! Thank you, my friend Lyn, for gently pushing me to accomplish #5 today. Happy New Year!
Thank you for sharing your resolutions, they are all spot on! It seems we are all styling new outfits: really comfortable ones.
Again Lyn your authenticity has such an effect on me. I have read and re-read this piece and can relate to so much in it. I was attracted to your shots as Accidental Icon -the hairstyles, the clothes, your age -all impressed me and when I subscribed to your post this is what I wanted to see. But when you were writing with so much honesty and the Accidental Icon was laid to rest – I just wanted more and have got so much out of your journey.
I am 79 this year and what I too long for is a community that can stimulate me to think and grow. When you mentioned you have to go and find them then that is what I must do too. When reading or listening to a discussion on the radio I take notes but never do anything with them. My intention for 2023 is to go back to old journals and notes and see what ideas and discussions pop up, write short essays on ideas of mine that may have changed or whether I am still stuck in authoritarian “rules” whether from church or state. I have made a start reading “Called to Question – a spiritual memoir by Joan Chittister”
I will subscribe to your Substach though haven’t a clue what it entails!! I just don’t want to lose this special connection
Absolutely love this post! I do like the the idea of going back to old journals and notes. It’s what I have been doing as I write my book.
Hi there
HAPPY NEW YEAR to YOU! I’m looking forward to your book – this will open other doors for you – perhaps reading – autograph signings – talks etc. Re Substack I can see going more than 40-50 miles an hour! It will definitely be keeping you busy.
Recently I saw a book mentioned online titled How Not to be an Old Lady – it’s gotten me curious as to what is the definition of an old lady.
What are my intentions for 2023 -I actually never think ahead. Maybe now in my mid 70s I should. I just like to enjoy each day – letting it unfold.
How to be Old is very intriguing – look forward to reading your newsletter.
Letting each day unfold sounds like good advice to me!
So sorry, Lyn, I accidentally cancelled a recent email from you. January 4 2023.
Kate Steer.
What did it say?
That I am writing now on Substack. You can subscribe for free https://lynslater.substack.com/
Some days it seems so hard to get life back on track from the pandemic changes in the past three years. At 70 the losses are more felt, and the decline in one’s health is not such a quick fix any longer. This year I want to connect more with others, and one way to do that is by volunteering in the community or being involved in a club, such as a garden club.
What you feel and express Lynn, is so easily understood by many of your readers. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your challenges and for the opportunities you see ahead.