I have spent the entire month of shedding ending up having more work and the only shedding that has been on mind is how I might “shed” academia. I have been filled with ambivalence about that decision even though it is clear to me that something must give if I am to sustain the creative and intellectual life I wish to lead.
Last week I was in Madrid and had several opportunities to experience the art, letters and culture of Madrid in ways that were intensely personal. I was given a private tour of the National Library that contains every volume, film, recording and periodical ever published in Spain. Every year the country celebrates a writer who then gets to choose an artist who is commissioned to create a portrait as directed by the author. This collaborative approach to portraiture makes it one of the more fascinating galleries I have had the pleasure to explore. Later I wandered the streets of the “writer’s district” and sat for a spell in Lope de Vega’s garden. I read many of his plays in my senior year of high school. I was inspired then to write a play myself, completely in Spanish.
As we came into the research room where scholars and students were laboring I was overcome with an intense feeling of sadness and grief. It took me a moment to understand why. As I have been thinking of leaving academia I realized that I have been feeling a terrible loss of the notions I had of what it means to be a scholar and an intellectual. Seeing Ph.D. students at work in this inspiring space, I was reminded of the joy and anticipation I felt when researching and reading at that time in my life. When I wanted to conduct critical research and represent “performances” of women in the world of child welfare. When I could have told the real stories of myself and them. I hear myself recently saying words like, “I have a very performative relationship with clothes” within which is encoded numerous theories and philosophies, echoing that time.
Following right on the heels of that is the terrible disappointment that came with the realization that similar to my practice life, I entered and labored in yet another bureaucratic institution. I am reminded of all the concessions that were made about what I would research, how I would research it, how I would represent it and finally in these last years what I must teach, what assignments I must give, what learning outcomes I must measure. The endless meetings that produce nothing.
In my work in this newer digital life I am still always drawn to those activities and experiences that are creative and support a scholarly and collaborative approach. Students from fashion, art, performance and design schools contact me with projects such as being interviewed for ethnodramas a la Anna Deaveare Smith, graphic novels, magazines, 3D characters or just other academic projects about social media and representation. Interestingly, most come from outside the US, although Parsons still seems to be producing critically thinking scholars. I find these transactions endlessly interesting and fascinating. I wish I had the time to deeply engage with all of them. What’s making it hard to leave academia I realize is accepting the loss of my desired, never realized, scholarly life.
At the very same time I am inhaling the odors of ancient books and spaces, I receive an email from a professor in Barcelona asking if I would be interested in writing a short book about fashion for an immersion series. I see the inquiry when I leave to go to lunch. This excites me. Like the young people in my classes or around me in the digital world, I suddenly realize I do not have to do what I want to do within the structures of obsolete institutions. I can write, I can perform, I can research, I can study and perhaps even teach in other spaces, in fact I have already been doing so. My Ph.D. is mine and completely transportable. I am going to dig out my old notebooks filled with thoughts about performance studies and postmodern theories. I am going to keep “performing” my life as the one I have been sharing with all of you. My performances will become even more experimental and thus more fun and alive. Oh and by the way…just got a bunch of wigs when I got home.
Have you ever had a moment when you realized that you only needed yourself to do what you wanted to do? Inspire me please with your stories!
So look forward to your new performance!
Thank you for taking us on this intellectual journey with you, for being a pathfinder. I think many of us are seeking to find new ways of expression. You continue to expand our brains and feelings.
My thoughts exactly. As university professor of the same age I fully appreciate all you said. If university is not a place where authentic values and search for truth and beauty are supported a dignified exit and independent path seems to be a fair option. Finally, this is how big breakthroughs were always made. With reasonable safety net what is there not like?
Oops, error:
…what is there not TO like?
I am learning, and learning to trust, that life is full of the delightfully unexpected. If one is prepared (in my case a PhD, the transferable skills, an eye for opportunity and an adaptive, flexible mind set) then one can suddenly, swiftly, giddily step aboard a wholly unanticipated new barque en route to fresh and fulfilling intellectual adventure. After 12 years at home enjoying raising my children, I had long thought that was ‘it’ for my academic life. I then applied for a job in an academic-related field, just out of curiosity, to see if I still remembered how to apply for a job. I got the job. Reprising a skills portfolio I put to one side twenty-five years ago (pre dating my academic career). I have been able to set the terms of my contract and the hours I work. So I have the cerebral stimulus, challenge and zing of an engaging professional role whilst not sacrificing the home-life balance (children, my garden, my textile art) that makes me truly whole.
I’d say, take the leap. ‘The wind will carry us’ (to appropriate a poem title by Farough Farrokhzad, later used by Abbas Kiarostami for his wonderful film).
I recently contemplated applying for an English Chair position. I’ve taught the last 14 years at the community college and university level; it seemed like a logical, vertical move. For a few days, I realized I was doing nothing but convincing myself to apply, talking myself into it. Forcing myself to get excited about it. When I realized my love was being with my students in the classroom, encouraging them, letting them know they can take control over their lives, their minds, create more positive cerebral spaces for themselves in order to better thrive no matter what they do or where they are at, I knew I’d never apply for that administrative role. I always know when it feels forced it’s not the right choice, no matter how pretty the package.
Noel
I absolutly loved reading this post Lyn. As a women at the start of her career (relatively speaking) and trying to go it alone, I find your thoughts thought provoking, hugely inspirational… and comforting somehow. It’s the honesty I think more than anything. Can’t wait for the next. Ellie
Hola LYN, me alegro mucho de tu paso por España, y que te tiente escribir algo en español. Yo no tengo tanta facultad para poder escribir pero ,si puedes !por favor hazlo! y en mi idioma, seria muy a tener en cuenta para este tan universal.
Lyn-
You put this all so beautifully! I find that I have often invented & re-invented what I thought was a self only to find myself trapped in the same kind of tiresome "structures of obsolete institutions. " I find you an inspiration! I hope that by finding your true north and staying honest to your very private and personal definition of what it means to be an academic you find the anticipation, joy, and fulfillment we all crave!
I love what you wrote and yes, I have had many moments of this realization – in fact, it sounds like most my life thus far, though it’s often uncomfortable. To realize that you are completely the writer of your own story, it’s freeing, frightening, inspiring, overwhelming, and life and self affirming. I appreciate so much what you/ve shared here and look forward to your next installment on this journey. Thank you!
Yes, when I wrote my first novel. It’s not that there isn’t outside input, but my writing is based solely on the way I see and interpret life.
Lyn, You always are on point to what am feeling. Your writing gets right to the heart of the matter and you inspire so many to challenge themselves.
Thank you!
In my final year of uni, I was setting up for a career in academia. But after completing three internships in three different labs, I was having serious doubts. I’ve always had a creative mind and wasn’t finding that part of myself in a lab. One day, I got an email about a full scholarship opportunity in China. I always dreamt of traveling to Asia and learning a language–Japanese or Mandarin, perhaps! I decided to apply not thinking I would ever get accepted. A couple months later, I received my offer letter and immediately accepted. My family was hesitantly supportive and truthfully did not want me to go. But I went for it. I immersed myself, learnt Mandarin, and travelled all over China. I discovered parts of me I didn’t know I had–and gained the confidence that I can take any leap, failure, or uncertainty and turn it into something beautiful. It was an amazing experience which I will never regret.
Yes and Yes !! About 4 months ago I had some wellness issues which knocked me off my feet…I felt lost big time !! As is the case when i let go , books began falling off shelves and others came by way of Synchronicity and grace s I call it…The result was I sat down and looked at the things that float my boat, fashion, style, accessories and My beloved Interior design…I wanted all of theses things rolled into one, Voila, enter Bold Not Old…where I get to indulge myself in expression and writing…At 72 this was challenging after all where was it going and what would become of it, could this really work? The short answer is YES…the journey continues to unfold and when I recently came across you and your work, I couldn’t sleep, the excitement kept me awake… If we follow what we know to be the deepest part of ourselves, the world opens up in wondrous and fabulous ways…I expect great things….Thank you for you Boldness Wallis…Bold Not Old