It’s been quite a week. I now have the time and inclination to attend many more of the events I’m invited to, now that I’m no longer teaching. I’ve been coming home late which is unusual for me. I’ve also been tongue-tied and stammering when I’m asked how I came to be at this event or “what I do”. Which is also unusual for me.
In many ways over the last few weeks, we’ve been directly and indirectly talking about identity. How we choose to define ourselves and how others try to do the defining for us. From this serial event attending something has occurred to me about why I might be put in a box: I’m kind of elusive when it comes to defining who I am and what I actually do right now. People don’t know how to define me, I can’t define me and never could as I’m always in motion. I think this makes others anxious and it was making me anxious last spring. I’m not a fan of tight garments and dislike being subjected to fittings where my clothes are turned into a stricter, more rigid boundary between me and them. The lack of space allows no room for movement between the garment and my body which for me conveys the sensuous experience of dressing; allowing me to continue to feel sexual and alive. Perhaps this is the best answer to those who want to know why I always wear clothes that seem to be too big for me. There is still a boundary but it’s much more open and flexible, there’s lots of room for me to move and feel whatever I want to feel.
Unlike many of those who travel in the social media realm as I do, the identity of influencer just does not cut it for me. I still retain and claim my identity of academic though as a layperson now perhaps I should substitute public intellectual. This is a lost role today but oh my are they sorely needed when thinking should become the new activism (thank you, Jenny Odell). This identity is ususally what I start with as I begin a long and rambling explanation of how I came to be at this event making content that will later go up on my Instagram. “Until this past September, I was a professor”, I say. Then after that, it’s more of a meandering account of what I do every day. This might comprise any or all of my following project-related identities: writer, editor, model, art director, salesperson, researcher, activist, photographer, stylist and even I might be bold enough to claim, an artist. If I thought more about it I could probably come up with a few more.
The discourse here the last couple of weeks has been about us naming and claiming our identity(s), many of us as persons growing older or all of us for that matter as that process begins the moment we are born. I’m so very interested in both keeping this space open and creating others where multiple, fluid identities can co-exist without being essentialized or controlled. Where boundaries are flexible enough that we may be influenced by and influence others as we are collaboratively evolving and sharing a new narrative about the later years of badass women. Because we are. Badass women.
Marie left us with a very interesting statement in her comment (thank you) and I’m really curious to know how you relate to it. I think it important the students hear the answers. I’m also in a more collaborative realm and am being inspired in my writing by what you are writing in return. So no agendas, let’s just see what we come up with.
“I dress to reflect how I feel and I dress in order to feel”
I would suggest you are now, among your other myriad roles, a fashion consultant. Or a fashion designer, even. Perhaps even both. Fashion journalist, certainly. Fashion blogger? All of the above apply. One does not have to choose — one can enjoy them all.
In addition to agreeing with Marie’s statement, I also dress for the work I do. I live in the country and I burn wood for my own heat. Sometimes I work in a garden. Not everyone dresses to be seen by others all the time, or live in a big, crowded metropolitan area, so sometimes clothes really need to function. The clothes need to move, protect, and keep the wearer warm or cool. Because clothes protect as well as express.
I dress as both armor and invitation. As armor, my attention to style takes the focus from me personally and puts it on my clothing. And, because I am conscious of clothing as an expression and completely brave about what I love to wear–so brave that I don’t even think of it as bravery–it invites invitation to connect all the time. People love to engage about a vintage bowler or a menswear coat with sapphire blue appliques or sliver flatform shoes. And it gives me such satisfaction to have that social contact but without the small talk about me that leaves me utterly stranded for answers or enjoyment.
Love that last line. Your posts are always an inspiration. I had not thought about the relationship between boundaries of the flesh and how materiality of fashion intersects. That is quite a lovely thought. I have put on a bit too much weight to have a svelte silhouette in my 60s. But when I wear loose sexy feeling clothing I can stop worrying about reflections in the mirror and shimmer that wonderful materiality and body sensations. I love being inspired. Your posts ALWAYS lift me up and make me think. Deep gratitude.
I am currently, at age 69, in the process of divorcing my husband of 19 years. It was a difficult decision to arrive at, influenced in part by my concerns about being alone or lonely. Who would want me? Was there anyone out there willing to take me on? Well, as my identity is morphing from wife to single woman I am astonished to find there are many men and women who are seeking to be my new “friends”. Men are particularly attracted to my silver hair. And these are men of many ages, ranging from mid-20’s to mid-80’s. Who knew that the “older woman” was such a sought after commodity? Women seem anxious to befriend me as they see me as brave and daring, willing to take a chance on the future. Perhaps those who are not so brave would like to live (a little) vicariously through me as I explore the single life at this advanced age. I find myself exhilarated by the possibilities for this new phase of my life. If I decide to take a young lover, I’ll let you know.
I enjoyed very much reading your comment and smiled at the end of it. Just wanted to letting you know that. Best regards Baerbel
And there are many of these fabulous older women hanging out here!
Please do!
At 69! So glad to read this, struggling with 60, not sure who I am or where I’m going, having to readjust my identity AGAIN, yikes
This was the best explanation of preferring bigger clothes on a small frame. I’m also asked why I wear such “swingy” clothes and you’ve described it well- it makes me feel more sensual and I also dress in order to “feel” thx for sharing
That is exactly it for me too. I am petite and love the feel of loose clothing. I can dress it up elegantly or casual, but I always want it loose. Feels better.
I find the question about what someone does (meaning your occupation) to be tad annoying as if our identity is concretized by our profession vs. all the other things we have an interest or involvement in and how we conduct ourselves. Perhaps honing a cheeky, non-traditional answer is one remedy. Mine might sound something like “Everyday I do my best to be my best, to relish nature, feel gratitude, laugh, and spend quality time with my pup.” namaste
I think the mystery of identity and how we feel or think is a fluid process running between external stimuli, body and mind activity, and the proactive choice to put ourselves out in the world with curiosity, statements of experience and explorations.
Yes, why I love pragmatism and John Dewey!
I so enjoyed this post: it was much needed today. I find, as I’m growing older, sometimes I feel a little “lost” as to who I’m becoming. I know what and where I’ve been. What’s in store now that I’m in my mid-50’s…?
And that’s a very cool adventure!
Oh, and that handbag is fabulous!
It is difficult to reflect how I feel living in an area where I cannot find the clothes that reflect a “ fish out of water.”
Go online. I rarely shop in stores anymore. The prices are much better and nothing is picked over. One can dress well no matter where one lives today, and without having a lot of money. If you don’t like what you ordered, many sites have free returns.
You get me! What’s even better- you beautifully put concepts I feel but haven’t been able to identify into words.
Great question. I dress in order not to think about myself and what I’m wearing and/or what I should have worn. I love clothes but as a pass to investing in others around me. If I feel good about my appearance, I have more to offer. It is joyful to be wholly caught up in the people we are with and events we attend without self-analysis interrupting such gifts. Once I am happy with how I look/what I’m wearing, I am on a magic carpet. I could be wearing jeans and a sweat shirt but they will be pieces I like versus pieces I happen to have. Clothes have always mattered to me but as a means, not an end. I guess that’s rather pathetic or insecure but, frankly, it works!
Wow. Well said. This is exactly how I feel, nice to hear such a clear explanation.
I enjoy your blog and the observation that life is fluid. All identifications are confining, when each of us are unique and many are now refusing to accept the old definitions of aging. I do think there is a sense of art and an appreciation for it when we dress. Personally, I have had to engage with some of aging challenges and have purposely clothed myself in attire that makes me happy. Despite my present circumstances, I can choose a presentation that rises above it. We are warriors and our morning appointments in the closet give us an opportunity to say, “I am here, I am alive and I celebrate who I am.”
“ you can say I’m a retired professor” and exploring All the options I couldn’t do when teaching.. so exciting times for me.” So hard when people want to assign where you a place in the universe.
I am experiencing the hard-to-quantify-what-you-do syndrome, too. I think it’s time for a new Elevator Speech. For me, I have started calling myself an impresario as most people call me a grant writer and I am waaaaaay more than that. I conceive, write, develop, execute large community engagement projects centered around the arts, mostly music.
So, what’s your elevator speech? Let’s hear them.
I love that comment, “I dress to reflect how I feel and I dress in order to feel”. Your posts always make me think for days and are such a breath of fresh air/distraction from what I am doing at work when they come sailing into my inbox. Reflecting back on my own relationship with fashion, I have always been attuned to it (growing up in the shadow of NYC, how could I not) but have always selected my clothes to convey my message about me to the world in a very intentional way. This is true even when I was in my teens wearing floppy suede hats and low-on-the-hip super-wide bell-bottom jeans, my grunge phase while living in Seattle and listening to Kurt Cobain, my punk phase of retro thrift shop clothing and orange buzz cut hair (yeah), to feeling inspired by the badass style of Gemma/Katey Sagal from Sons of Anarchy in my “later” years. I loved reading about how her stylist worked closely with her to very intentionally develop Gemma’s style. Often I find myself wearing all black and laugh to myself that I am unintentionally channeling Johnny Cash. Interjecting humor, irony and whimsy into what I wear is a large part of badass me. As I have gotten older, it has been so freeing to wear what I want and not give a damn, within my limited budget, of course. And that is one part of the fashion equation that I wish got more examination–the money part. I invest in some very good pieces and feel great wearing them, but let’s face it, most of us are doing second-hand stores and small boutiques and scouring the internet, depending upon where we reside, to find the cool unique things that we can afford, particularly some of us who are in those years where we have to decide, “Do I want this gorgeous handbag/jacket/dress or shouldn’t I be putting this into the 401K?”. When a designer deigns to design “for the masses” and puts their brand into a store like Target, I love them for that. I love that Ms. Obama wore a combination of expensive designer clothing as well as items from Target (and no, I don’t work for Target). Re your theme of explaining what one “does”, our clothes can box us into our occupation–or our occupation can box us into our clothes–or our clothing choices can serve to confuse. I enjoy the latter. I work in a somewhat stodgy professional industry and don’t wear that uniform. It adds layers and mystery and I love that. I dress to reflect that I feel like badass me and all that entails.
Brava! I still am reflecting the badass me at 77…which astounds people when I mention my age. That is definitely because I don’t dress of an age. I continue, as I have all my life, to dress distinctively me. My look would work at most any age if you have a strong streak hi fashion badass. Remaining somewhat audacious and adventurous is what has always kept me current and young. Sounds like you’re my kind of woman.
I thought being a professor was just that….a state of being. Where do you profess now? Well, the internet. Instagram. Your life. Your way of presenting yourself. Your…being.
You have a wonderful sprit ! You project the way you feel in what you wear . I feel as women age people try to put us in a box and tell us what we should wear . You are stepping outside the box . You are a great inspiration to us all !
Always interesting to read your thoughts. I am retired and had various jobs while working. When people ask me who I am or what I do, I simply respond I’m a human being. I love clothes that glide over the body, but at times do like things that fit, but still glide. If I wear fitted slacks I always wear a flowing top to balance it off. I find that people can overthink things and want to box everything in. It isn’t necessary to allow this, rather just be yourself.
On growing older, I am front and center with that and know my next best chapter is evolving. Also, age is the great equalizer. We will ALL get there.
As to the comment “I dress to reflect how I feel and I dress in order to feel”, is ever changing. I have a passion for fabrics and love how they flow and move on my body. As a 6′ 3″ woman, and can’t help but stand out. Thankfully, my mom always instilled standing tall and proud, even as a teen.
I send a message to all with my attitude, clothing choices, colors and how my clothes make me feel alive out in the world.
Liked the comments about the way clothes should fit. My main complaint about the way clothes today are made so clingy and transparent, one has to wear shapewear underneath, which was something we tried to burn along with our bras back in the day. Besides I feel it is a step back to show off our entire shape to the world as there’s no mystery left to the imagination. Us women of a certain age want garments that make us feel glamorous because of the way the material flows on our bodies.
I published my first novel this year at the age of 78. It is a history of a Midwestern town and spans the time from the mastodons to the current. It took 20 years of research and interviews. Badass woman here!
I am so glad you brought up the subject of clothes too big, it took me back to when my mother was still alive and swore by clothes too big. I never understood way, but now I do and I am so very grateful for this. I see my mom in a different light now.
Dressing, in its best instances, is relational—with oneself, with others, perhaps for a special other like a suitor or to take aim at an enemy. Dressing could certainly lead to feelings while expressing feelings at the same time.
Marie is a wise woman, and I totally agree. I dress to reflect how I feel. I wear my red stiletto pumps on days I feel sassy. I wear soft cozy leggings and sweaters when I’m in comfort mode on a cold day and want to stay under my furry blanket and watch old black and white movies. Power suits on days I feel empowered in the midst of my physician faculty knowing they should respect me (I’m an executive assistant) as I respect them. So many “mes” to dress as parts of my personality emerge for that day. I love using clothes to express myself no matter how old I am. I like to think I’m getting better with time – all pieces of my personality!
I love reading your thoughts and those of your followers. Thank you for your openness!
Agree 100% with disdain for restrictive clothes! When asked what do you do now that you’re retired I say whatever I want to! Life is richer for me now than it has ever been. The bad things that come along with aging aren’t fun yet part of the journey of still being alive at this age. I have more wisdom, am more decisive than ever before, and more appreciative of things that matter to me. Freedom to move!
Dressing gives me the opportunity to open up to the multitude of personalities that live within me; the transition it allows is freeing and yet helps me focus on what I want to focus on at a given time. Be it sleep, rest, work, exercise, etc. It is a kind of staging that propels my own next act.
I have always hated being defined by one title. I have had many jobs, careers, sales, French teacher, model, stylist, store owner. I’m a mom and wife. I started modeling at 64. I really think women can be less defined by one title than a man. My husband retired 2 years ago and it really affected his identity.
I feel the most free now at this time in my life!
Love this!!! All the best with your book! So inspirational !
Why is age seen by some As limiting when , if we choose,it can be a time of incredible bravery and growth!
This statement also really grabbed my attention. As I reflected on its meaning, I realized I also followed this pattern. My hometown weather is pretty wet and cold and drab over half of the year, but to attend the opera and ballet, I dress up and enjoy the experience thru to feelings despite the common
trend to wear jeans. When I vacation in the sun, where I’m estactic to be, I wear my flirty ruffly , and short early 20s clothes despite being 74! I’m enjoying my vacation from the inside out- resurrecting my younger self and my love of fun clothes!
Great look! When asked what I do – I reply – retired HR Administrator and now living the life I didn’t have time for before!!! Enjoy all the interests you have and relish every minute!
Would you call yourself a new materialist Lyn?
During my middle years, I identified myself through my husband and daughter and would introduce myself as such at business and school events. I realised one day however that this must change when I was labelled as ‘George’s owner’ at puppy training school; was I now to be identified through our dog? I came to the realisation that I was happy to subjugate my own person in order to fit a perceived role in society, I knew also, that had to change. I somehow managed to get accepted into a very good art school to do a Batchelor’s of Fine Art; a degree I had always wanted to do and, for the last 15 years have practised as an artist. So now I introduce myself by my name and when people ask what I do, I tell them I am a painter only to see their eyes glaze over and change the subject.
I paint as well. I love your art, it’s very transparent.
Good afternoon Professor! I currently work at UNC School of the Arts, a job which I began at age 65. Previously, I was a stylist, colorist and designer of homes. And even more previous to that career I was a sales manager for the East Coast. My mother told me years ago to learn to type as I would always have a job. For good or bad, that became true.
Recently, I became a student in the wig and makeup department of the School of Design and Production. As I interact with young women, mostly, who are barely dressed and a few young men adorned like peacocks, I watch as they give me side glances each time the word ageing arises.
Too funny, my peers may be the most disturbed as they don’t know what to think. Why am I doing this; why don’t I retire like all my friends? I respond “retiring was never on my bucket list” nor have I found my true calling – the one I will be passionate about for the rest of my years here. However, I think it may be in the hunt I find passion.
Keep writing, living and loving!
Yes here’s to the hunt!
The oversized clothes you wearing are perfect for you they show your personality, I love this kind of style! The thing is that you have another point of view about clothing and that you show us when we are getting older we can wear clothing with a personal touch and thats the reason that you are always an inspiration for many woman who will show there own identity!
Agree about loose fitting clothing…is it just us Small people?
I definitely dress to reflect how I feel. Clothes allow me to feel certain ways. Running and yoga clothes allow for strength, power and being grounded. A well fitting pair of jeans and an unusual sweater might make me feel free spirited, youthful. A vintage coat and lovely scarf, elegant and of another or more restrained time. I love this comment! Thanks!
Oh my goodness, there is another one “of us” out there. I can resonate with so much of her discourse. I had many roles during my lifetime. I am retired now. If I tell someone this, I can visibly see a shift in their appearance, emotion and attitude. I am quickly discounted, or so they would like that. But I am one badass woman too. I am not discounted. I like me. I like wearing clothes that are comfy and sometimes too big. I can think and breathe better in them. I am active, I don’t give up and I honor my word. Yeah, I’m a badass.
I understand this! I will often dress in alignment with my intention for the day.
Having your job identify who you are is very risky. It is when we have no identification that we become the universe. I had to learn the hard way.
Well said!
Public Intellectual sounds right. And as someone who cares passionately about style and what I wear, I appreciate your very existence .
What I wear also reflects how I feel but more importantly it is one of my expressions of creativity. And as my creativity varies greatly from day to day so does how much effort I put into what I wear that day.
My clothes are becoming more and more a conversation – between Who I Am Now, Who I’m Growing Into and all the women I’ll be in between.
I’m deeply aware of the power of my wardrobe to both influence and reflect my BEingness at any given moment.
I’m intrigued by the idea of loose clothing giving you room to move.
I feel that way too – especially after years of wearing corsets on stage!
I am reading Ekhart Tolle’s “A New Earth,” which I highly recommend. The thinking around “identity” is addressed so beautifully in this book, turning the concept, as we know it in layperson’s terms, on its head. It is a more “awakened” view of self and purpose. I hope you enjoy!
I tend to dress however I feel at any given time also, and that changes from day to day. I feel ageless in spirit, and so that seems to fit me best. I know my own age; I will be 78 in November, but I don’t think of myself in that age, or any age at all. I feel different every day. I like it best when I have done something that speaks to my heart, whatever is catching my attention at that particular time. Where I used to think about the big things I might do, now I am quite content to save the life of Monarch caterpillars, or to save a plant that is not being cared for in a vacant mobile home. And I like to dream about living where I want to live; it is something I am working on, but it may not happen in reality for a longer time. I guess I am glad to have my significant other and that our lives, while lived mostly as individuals, sometimes join in silence and comfort in each other.
That is beautiful and inspiring Anne, thank you.
That is so beautiful Anne. I also dream of the place I want to live too.
This is very inspiring.
Wow! Thank you. I guess it’s never too late for self realization. At age 65, I just acknowledged that I DO dress how I feel. And it always works for me.
You may have been the first person I followed. You are quite the inspiration. I am going to stick with the definition of my own identity as being (the) Bonnie that happens when I open my eyes each morning. It takes years to discover what makes us feel good. So why not stick to it? There are no limitations!
Exactly, there is much this time has to offer.
After working in the fashion industry for 45 years, I now realize I am more comfortable in clothing that is my style.. loose, boho in feel with what I like to call vegetable colors.. natural fabrics that I can hand wash lovingly! It is so freeing!
I’ve been told by my sons, my husband… “oh you just care about how things look. You are in to appearances. Who cares?” That sort of thing. I have thought about this… about my ego and wondering how much it is involved and what it all actually means to me. And I’m pretty clear. I am a painter… I have a College degree in Interior design and I am a visual person. Who cares? I care. I care about how I feel. I want to feel good. I want to feel alive. And if dressing to reflect how I feel makes me feel good…. then I say that’s a good thing. I don’t really care what anyone else thinks… and then again, I am happy to get compliments…. I don’t like looking blah or ordinary and then again…. being just ordinary can be a really good thing. Because there is no ordinary…. It’s all just naturally awesome. Every minutes of it.
That comment absolutely nails how I feel about dressing , but couldn’t articulate it so perfectly .
I think it would be true for many people.
I suppose it’s the reason I was first drawn to your ‘Accidental Icon ‘ page , It resonated with me instantly.
You speak so eloquently about all that I love about fashion , it’s comparable to an artist painting something beautiful from a vision in his / her mind .
I imagine it’s the reason that I personally switch items as I’m creating my look for the day , I need to capture & create that exact vision from my mind . ?
Lynn
What now? I saw your commercial on tv for go daddy. You looked great! I was pleasantly surprised to see you on that spot. My what nowness at age 61, retired, is wearing comfy, classic clothing of my choosing. Maybe vintage, maybe new, whatever suits my fancy. Whatever I like. I found your writing interesting about the conversations at your events. Sometimes what we do with our time is difficult to describe to others, especially if they are working in a 9-5 job. When we are on our own schedule, we may find that gearing down gives us an appreciation of time and our life. We have time to be present and notice people and our surroundings. It may be a mindshift of priorities. We may discover what is truly important in our life, and hence in our wardrobe.
There is a new balance I’m looking for between the absolute freedom of being able to dress to please only myself and wanting to minimize the surplus material possessions in my life. Emerging from the restrictions of a professional life makes me want to acquire new and interesting silhouettes for myself, new textures and weights of fabric. Yet I live a quiet life and my wardrobe needs are minimal. I hope in the coming year to do some thoughtful pruning while cultivating a choice of natural fibers and personally rewarding styles that I can live with for a long time.
Just wanted to say, how well you covered the identity issue in our third phase of life. Seeing you so true to yourself and being open about this phase made me feel relieved. I am not alone! Of course, we – your readers- look up to you, but feel happy someone expressed what we feel so well!
Thank you.
Hanna
Yes and all of you make me feel not alone as well!
Thanks for Sharing Your feeling very nice
Identity ? I don’t feel the need to give an oral description of my past life to VALIDATE my being anywhere …. I’m comfortable with being ME!
I don’t want to be remembered by what LABEL I wore.
I sense a feeling of it’s too much work fitting into your new life!
I felt anxious reading this post.
Your suit your pictured in seems to be screaming SEE ME!
When I dont know who I am, dont know what to wear.
Another perfect quote,
Hi,
I love your style. I would like to copy it. I do not know where to go to buy clothes that are not so commercial. I have trouble finding a style I like. I am a Fashion Design student at 60 years old. I feel I little discouraged because I think I have very little chance to find work at the end of my studies. I will stop my studies next May. I live in Milwaukee but I will also be able to live in Naples in the coming winters.
i would like to have my own brand but I do not have money for that kind of investment. I am 5″ tall and weight 120Lbs. I am Hispanic so my skin is lightly tan. I like my black hair and tan skin but the industry does not make clothes for me.
Let me know if you have suggestions for me.
Sincerely,
Roxana
Clothing and choosing them are very personal for me so I can never tell others what to buy or what they should wear. You are right now being given a wonderful gift of learning to design clothes. Focusing on the future is not productive because of the world changing so fast. It seems if you can’t find clothes for women like you, you can start to design them. Focus on the now and making something you would love to wear that you can’t buy. I am very envious that you have that skill, it is one I would so love to have. All you need is a website and an instagram and show yourself wearing some of your designs. Other women like you will respond and you can do custom pieces until you generate capital. There are also many institutions that support older independent business people and now especially women.
you are the best thing that happened to me ,what an inspiration
Please keep up your wonderful work .clothes fashion ,and most importantly your style love it
I’m 72 years old
Thank you
Re: badass women. Sixty something high school class cuts, GPA 1.09, numerous visits to principal’s office, detention nearly every week, many joints consumed in school parking lot before finally dropping out c1971. Yet since ’88, I’ve been a professor for my day job. All my life I’ve appeared as a badass woman to others, while internally I feel like a Good Girl, if that makes sense.
“I dress to reflect how I feel and I dress in order to feel”
When I was young, I wanted to look like Georgia O’Keeffe when I grew old, and at sixty-five, I kind of do. Long loose black dresses and menswear. Boots and sturdy flat shoes. Long hair tied up. Recently, I saw O’Keeffe’s navy blue Keds sneakers under a plexiglass vitrine at a museum exhibit, and was moved to tears while inspecting the dents where her toes had worn down the inner linings of the soles. I had Keds like that, knew how they felt, how they rubbed at the heel. It’s not that O’Keeffe was an idol I sought to emulate. It’s more that when young, I recognized something authentic and true about myself in her and simply stayed the course, took no fashion bait or well meaning suggestions from others.
The groups of people in which we live, work and ‘move’ need to define each member of the group, their role et al. Makes the other members feel that the group is in control, controlled and life will be orderly when definitions are available.
As an older woman, white hair, short stature and out of the norm wardrobe I don’t fit a definition. As a retired communications/marketing professional (always a hard definition for people to understand and accept as a real job) again I don’t fit a definition.
I define myself as a maker, finally with time to explore my art focus, painting, clay, textiles and crafts. With each year since changing my focus but pursuing this new arena with equal passion and energy, I feel freer leaving definitions behind.
People dismiss me for their own reasons, none of which ‘stick’ to me. Their need to define, not mine.
It is a mind set to reclaim my self-definition and there are days when it is dismaying to be discounted for the group’s reasons. However, the people in my circles – family, friends, new acquaintances (who are always energizing after lively conversations) provide enough support and interest to satisfy at this point.
I feel strongly that I must give myself time to explore, re-energize, learn new skills, meet new people, be content with closing doors and be ready to enter into discussion.
Move, keep physically strong, learn, ‘be ready’, savour and relish new ideas, trends, etc.
And of course, I’m still learning to be this person, older than I feel and invisible in some circumstances – part of group behaviour towards women in our societies in Canada and Europe and so many other parts of the world.
Great post and thought provoking questions. But I suggest that we are not required to define ourselves—it’s just become a shortcut to interactions that is not necessary. I recently attended an event where multiple people asked what I was doing now that I’ve retired from my professorship. My answer is, “Whatever I feel like each day.”
That is my new answer to a very annoying question. Thank you for providing it!
Not everyone enjoys dressing. Some people are just covering their bodies, others are compensating for what they see as flaws ( not thin, not young) and many consider their own comfort or their perceived audience.And then there are those of us who just love clothes. I love every single piece I own and putting it together each day is really fun and makes me feel free to experience the day. I’m ready…
I am now 72 and I enjoy dressing even more these days than when I was younger and I thought I was signaling SOMETHING with my wardrobe.
“. . . I dress in order to feel.” What an impact that has on me as I have NEVER considered it. Something to ponder.
I love your writing – not to mention your style. Larger clothes feel so much better for me because I don’t have to think if everything is lined up perfectly (maybe this is laziness?).
Anyway – thank you.
I have always enjoyed dressing, it’s felt artistic, sexual and creative, but more like a protection than who I am.
Thank you for showing many generations what aging well can look like. Your intentions, confidence, willingness to grow and continue learning are inspiring. I turn 50 in January and am finding women in years ahead of me who inspire me to make the next decade my best yet. My 23 year old daughter loves you too and was the one who helped me find you. ?
I love the way you wear your clothes! I look for how I feel with my own as well. I have come to believe we are not a static identity but a point of focus that reflects infinite states of being depending on the moment.
I would call you an artist, and your media of choice is your life.
So, you didn’t upgrade to Emerita? Isn’t it funny that in many European systems, both the doctorate and professorship become part of your name? May be you should start with what you don’t want to do/be to unveil what you want to do/be. I want my clothes sleek so they can’t get me stuck in a door, whatever. Different aspects of motion, but both with the intent to keep the dynamics.
I really like your posts and your style!
This obsession with labelling oneself, to my mind, reveals a profound insecurity about the Self, as seen from the perspective of our fellows – we seem to be not worth very much without that label telling the world who “we REALLY are!” It’s frightfully elitist & deeply fearful of simply being a member of the human race, with every right to exist, as one pleases, merely observing, learning, & accumulating anything & everything one finds practical, or interesting, or amusing, or repulsive, or beautiful or offensive … What I find deeply offensive is that in “intellectual” circles anywhere in this world, one becomes “acceptable” only if one can attach an awe-inspiring label to one’s Self – Artist or Writer, being amongst the most popular & impressive still, in the 21C, followed by IT Specialist or any of the professions. Heaven help anyone, who is retired or who regards themselves as “merely floating”, “dabbling” or “exploring”, till Death parts them from this pigeon-holed, identity-bound, existence. Why can our outward appearance & quality conversation that might spew forth from our lips via a well-exercised brain, honed by observation & thoughtfulness about any subject under the sun, simply not be more than enough for others, before they themselves can feel comfortable about where they are or who they’re spending that particular moment in time with? I despise people who use others, their status & work, as well as their own, as currency to move to a position or into a social circle where they feel better about themselves, mostly materially, justifying themselves & feeling that they’re ‘going places’. It’s only when one must abandon the ‘label’ for another or as people who reach Retirement must do – “Invisibility”, as I refer to it – that one might begin to realise how extremely limited & limiting these labels are, when one really no longer has any right to use them because, according to current employment practices, one is no longer in demand to earn the salary doing the work one has been labelled to do. Not every job can be performed beyond “Retirement” (another awful label) so there are millions wandering around or pushed to the fringes of society, trying to recover & experience who they really are or evolved into, beneath the protective shell of that horrendously narrow label they’ve been compelled to labour under most of their lives. Like old war colonels who’ve lost their relevance to Humanity & the hierarchical societies it creates. No wonder so many experience spiritual & psychological problems regarding “identity” in our world today.
Absolutely well said.
Working in academics for the last 16 years of my profession still leaves me with the dressing challenge. I want to dress to feel energized, create harmony and unity with my peers but this is the first environment without a clear uniform or capsule wardrobe with rules. I can dress to please myself and be more approachable for my students. I’ve grown to appreciate and understand what it means to say that our self-concept is a process, ever changing. As I work with all my unique and inspiring students, I’m reminded that I too am on the same journey of self-discovery they are. Perhaps one day, I too will have the courage to go sleeveless.
You’re still a professor, Lyn. You choose how to define you. The definition of others about you is mere perception, based on image; they don’t know the real you. Only you know that. Therein lies your definition, despite movement. Character, virtue, goodness, kindness, compassion, empathy are beautiful character traits. I would agree, thinking is the new activism, if it’s done to consider or reason about something…not to follow…to buy into image and perception…
You are in many ways a constantly evolving “representative” – of your individuality, fashion, gender, lifestyle, ideas and much more – in a movement to show the relevancy of women as they age and prevention of categorizing and branding us as invisible and not influential anymore.
I retired five months ago and am still in transition. Within half a week of leaving my lifelong work as an educator, my mother fell, which was the slippery slope that led ever downward to her death 5 weeks ago. Meanwhile, 10 days into my retirement I became a grandmother, and spent the summer living near my daughter to help out. I am only beginning to sort out who I am now, and part of this is finding my new style identity. But the complicated intertwining of the family life cycle events has, until now, really slowed the process. I have had little time or energy to sort out what feels good to wear now! Little by little, my interest in what I wear is returning.
Dressing is definitely a way to express how one feels, and the feelings can come out of how we dress. It flows in a lemniscate.
Like some who have commented, I live where there is relatively little opportunity to engage in exciting shopping or even wearing anything too “fancy”. But still, there is room for creativity. Personally, I find making my own clothing is often the best route to feeling like what I am wearing matches my inner being. Lately I have taken to adding “threadpainting” (freehand embroidery) to some of my denim, and I love wearing my “canvases”.
Lastly, I want to add that sometimes I am in the mood to wear loose clothing but other times I want to be held firmly. Or sometimes it is both: a loose shirt with skinny jeans has often been suiting me lately.
Thread painting! What a delight, I have been wanting to try this as I have memories of my mother teaching me embroidery.
A couple months ago, I “Accidentally” stumbled upon your interesting approach to life. In my own way, I have been exploring the idea of aging and recently developed a program I call LifeStory Narrative. I facilitate life review groups for people interested in personal growth using a variety of activities and dialog. Collectively and individually we look at the lived life, make meaning of its many parts, come to new awareness of future possibilities and begin to think about new dreams. The most consistent issue discussed in my groups has been the conscious and unconscious need to address a new or changing identity. This has taken most of us by surprise, even when we thought we were prepared for change.
It is fascinating to see so many of the blog comments touch on identity as well.
When I began research for my group, I quickly learned there was very little in the literature that addresses the adult developmental tasks inherent in healthy aging. Many of us are making it up as we go because the old ways and current stereotypes are dated. Kudos to people like yourself for challenging expectations as you offer alternative models for those that will follow. In some ways, it feels as if we are solitary travelers crossing the desert, nodding to each other as we pass, looking for the water.
I appreciate your sense of adventure and for inviting others to join with you as you share what you learn.
You make many valuable points. I was speaking with a young man the other day who has read my blog and he very impressed with the comments. He said we are re-writing what it means to be older in a way that is engaging and exciting. I suggested we also talk with people younger and ask them how they envision life when they are older as we should all be co-creating our future.
You never know how inspiring you are! You are still very beautiful and professional!
Can I say how much I love the colours in the suit and accessories in the photo? I was interested in your explanation of why you prefer to wear clothing that is larger and loose fitting. I’ve never been fond of tight, form-fitting clothing (although, I do like the supportive, “held-in” feeling that corsets give), but a lot of the pieces I’ve been wearing the last few years completely hide my body shape, and I’m not happy about that either. I’m sure there’s a happy medium out there, I just need to find it.
You really has earned a lot of respect of mine! i can stay without seeing your blog!
You are still teaching, we ate your class. You have so much knowledge, wisdom, understanding, science, art, culture, and style. You have a lifetime of sponging everything up.
We are your class. Continue to share with us, please. We are ready. What’s our next assignment?
Thank you for this. And just like my students, I learn so much from you.
I, as we all are, am multi-faceted. My dress has changed over the years as I have. I don’t define myself by what I wear though. My definition is internal. Constant. However my clothes are an expression of sides of myself. I enjoy conveying what I want through what I put on my body.
Hey Really Impressive! I am following you:) you are absolutely perfect in blogging. Nice to visit again.
I love reading what you write! You write very well.
It is rather delightful, when asked “what do you do” to give a delighted smile and a deep sigh of contentment and say “Nothing!” It may only be true along one parameter (say, paid employement or being a stay at home mom or a volunteer), but it is a radical statement that BEING is enough, something to rejoice in. The rest of the story, if you choose to share it, can follow the giggles, or shock, depending on the listener.
I hate labels of any kind and am still astounded that we are required to place ourselves in individual boxes when asked what we do. To define myself is to limit myself. There are so many layers to a person. Age, profession, orientation, clothing, etc. should never say who we are. I am 60 and still evolving. Fashion can be another confining box. It’s our glorious packaging for the day, our personal art and poetry. Your fashion should not be defined by age, position, finance, brand, etc. Let’s just be individuals.
You are still teaching, even if you are no longer a professor. You are a writer, certainly. An advocate, a speaker. It is good to let others call us “influencers” and “intellectuals.” I engage very little in “social media” but your content is worthy and edifying and I thank you for it.
The identity question from strangers is always a punch to my gut – especially being married to a career politician to whom everyone wants to speak ( NOT to his sidekick). How do you explain a life being the “ wind beneath the wings” of someone whose aspirations always came first? Yes, I created the original ( and best) winning campaign brochure, devised the publicity strategy and carried it out, ghost- wrote the most well- received editorials, charmed the detractors , suppressed my own very strong political views to bolster his standing with constituents of opposite opinions. Yes, when his critical votes were – in my opinion – going in the wrong direction for women , I lobbied him day and night, sat ominously in the from row of the legislative gallery dressed in black, looming over his desk below as he spoke his “aye” or “ no” ( sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t ). I stood in front of rallies announcing his office phone number so people could express their opposition to questionable votes; carried placards into opposition camps if he was speaking in support of the “ wrong” cause. And when he as under attack unfairly, I was always the first to rush to his defense regardless of which ideology was attacking him.Instead of working at an office , I stayed home, and schooled my twice exceptional daughter until college , raising her to be a bright, strong, intellectually informed and engaged woman who sailed through a major university with ease. But what did I DO, in terms of career? Always the unanswerable question when you don’t have a title…and just BEING is not enough.
No words.Incredible refelction.