I’ve ventured out from the safe and lovely refuge I created in the space between illness and health. There is a tentativeness about these forays, so different from the way I used to just burst audaciously out my door and into the city. Always open to meeting any person or experience that I might encounter in my path, today I am wary. I don’t wander nearly as far, staying close to home or going to Central Park. I feel so very sad that I no longer feel safe in this city that has been my home for 25 years. She was always the place I ran to from the suburbs when I needed to find inspiration and escape what I experienced as the stultifying boredom of suburban life. My first trip in all by myself was when I was 15.
While excited to move into our vintage 1912 house and the many projects ahead that will keep me engaged and creative, I feel a little guilty about leaving my city when she has fallen to her knees. I have worked here for 40 years, lived here for more than half of that, lived in three of her boroughs, and survived then thrived during other moments in the past when she was taken down by events outside of her control.
The horrifying increase in shootings, robberies, and rapes that are happening now is reminiscent of the time I arrived to take my first job as a social worker in the early 1980s when New York was experiencing the worst levels of crime in its history. The night before my first day there was a brutal gang fight killing several people in the neighborhood where I was to report that first morning for work. Perhaps it was because of the work or the belief of the young we are immune from harm, I don’t remember being scared. Whether it was being passionately committed or having a death wish, I tracked down missing girls with my staff, venturing into Times Square or down to the Bowery at all times of the day and night.
Being a social worker meant that pragmatically life had to go on. Inspired by the resilience and bravery of the young women and girls I was fortunate to meet, it felt self-indulgent to give in to fear. Unlike me, they had no suburban refuge to return to at night until they came to our program. I learned to create pockets of safety and care amidst the worst of conditions. And so we survived and even thrived during the crack epidemic, the AIDS epidemic, and economic recessions. Later still a social worker, but now a professor, we rose again after the death blow of 9/11. During the last 6 months, now like then, there is the constant sound of sirens.
Today I am no longer a practicing social worker, though I am still one in my bones and perhaps that is why I feel I am abandoning my city in her time of need by taking care of myself. I’m not even a professor of social work anymore. I am just me, no longer defined or held accountable by my profession and all the heavy burdens it has always had to take on and carry. Yet it is hard to put them down.
In my life now, there is a craving for the routine, quiet predictability of suburban life. Unlike the young social worker I was, I’m realistic about and aware of all the ways I’m vulnerable and perhaps even now, this time, in need of protection and care myself. I remind myself I will only be an hour away and it is certain I will continue to work in the city, at least for the next few years. I remind myself of the literally hundreds of social workers I have taught over the last 20 years who are doing the work now. Those who will help the city get through this time, too.
So I’m coming full circle back to the suburbs where I was born. I’m certain like that 15-year-old I will get the impulse to hop on the train just because I want a tea, the company of a friend, and the inspiration only found in a quaint cafe on a leafy street in the West Village where writers used to gather. But in the meantime, I need to just let myself enjoy having a new house!
Have you ever experienced a duty of care that gets in the way of you putting your needs first? How did you manage it?
I was happy to encounter your blog. I subscribed because we are close in age and you are interesting and vibrant. Today I found out you were a social worker, as was I. I worked primarily with the mentally ill and with Alzheimers patients. Not so dangerous.
This is an inspiring read … it’s hard to grow older – and you do it with style and a wonderful empathy for who you were and who you’ve become. I hope that I am the same. Thank you for your posts. I am ageing and am so very grateful to still be alive, and to be enjoying life, despite the desperate horrors of our world. There is still much that is wonderful to celebrate.
I have for 34 years. I have a son with Down Syndrome. He always comes first. I have had to be flexible and learn to be strong. My life’s choices always revolve around Blake, but in return I have learned so much about myself practically and spiritually.
This is so true! I’ve also learned so much about myself doing this pandemic, you know that old saying! You don’t know how strong you are, until you’re forced to be strong?? God-bless you and your family
I, too, am the parent of a spirit filled adult daughter with Down syndrome and I agree that our lives have to be flexible! But what I have received in return is learning to live in the moment, and learning that each day should be a party – filled with music & smiles! Aren’t we the lucky ones. Be well, stay safe.
Thank you for sharing.
Very sad. Although I will say that I have read other blogs or reports that the uptick of crime in NYC is being exaggerated. It was interesting(and terrible)to hear that you believe it to be the case so much so that you are moving away. Best of luck to you!
I’ve always been a person to get up and go, and to do whatever I wanted to do, but with this pandemic! Things have really changed in my life, I’m so afraid now To venture out to the places Where I used to go… I also loved traveling, My Big Adventure for this year I was supposed to be going to Japan, well! You know how that turned out? I’m also an essential worker at the hospital, Which is a part of the medical Team, this is the new Norm.. I’m going to enjoy my life, as safely as possible❤
I, too, had a duty of care to help others. Over the years have learned to balance that with taking care of myself, taking nice warm baths, listening to music, reading a book, walks in nature and other calming things. Looking forward to how your new vintage home experience goes.
Your last article and this one have come to me at an odd time in my life. At the end of August, my father passed away suddenly in an accident. My sister and I raced home five hours to be with my mother and then raced another four hours to the hospital to be there when my dad died. An otherwise vital 80-year-old who still drove his motorcycle was gone in a heartbeat. My father’s brother, my uncle had died the week before and we attended his burial. We tried to console ourselves, our mother and our large extended family. Then I came back home to back-to-school and a possible second wave of Covid-19, a broken vacuum cleaner, a leaking dishwasher, and a family of men wanting of my attention after ten days away.
The past weeks have been a blur. I have returned to work, craving it’s regularity. I wish I was still with my mother, but my sister is there dealing with her day to day. A good deal of the estate management has therefore fallen to me. With hundreds of phone calls and emails, I have beat that beast down.
On Monday, I took the afternoon off. I had lunch with a golden friend and a great deal of wine was consumed. I was reminded if I don’t take care of myself, I can’t take care of anyone else. I cannot change the world but can tend my little corner. First, I need to do those things that are good for me.
I will weave more and start eating into my stash of yarn. People will get ugly handmade gifts. I will wear bright, handmade clothing to thumb my nose at the black monopoly of the plus-size garment industry. I will bake more and mock the diet gods. Bread will be given to others. I will have wine with lunch on Sunday and occasionally I will have too much. I will smile, damn it, if for no other reason that it is good for me.
Love this. ❤️
Through the work you learn that in order to continue, you have to take time for recovery. There is also an ending time for acts of service–when it’s too much for your body, spirit or mind or you need the space to create another place for yourself in the world. Givers will always find ways to contribute:) xo
I feel like so much of my life has been about putting the needs of others first. . . As a daughter early in life, and in recent years with aging, dying parents. . . as a wife, and a mother of two children, and now a grandmother trying to make life easier for my daughter struggling to work from home with a toddler. . .as an teacher for nearly my whole working life, wanting to create the best education possible for my young students. . .
From the time I was 7 years old, I meant to be an artist. Instead, to be more practical, I became a teacher who was an artist.
I retired 16 months ago and so far have achieved very few of my own creative goals, still taking care of others’ needs, mostly family. . .
Just this morning I have been wondering what I have to put aside now to support getting the vote out, to try to turn the tide which threatens to overrun our democracy, just as my husband and I get ready to move to a new home in two weeks (though still in the middle of my city.)
I too fell hopelessly in love with New York when I visited from Detroit, where I grew up.
My first visit was in the 1970’s
when NYC was on hard times.
All I remember from that trip was the incredible energy and the glamour. I vowed that I would live there one day.
I lived in New York for 7 years in the 1990’s. New York has a magic and energy that I have never experienced in another city.
Then came the time to go. I would sometimes spend weekends in Vermont or upstate New York to get some green in my life. I started to feel like a weekend wasn’t enough and I longed to be a country girl.
In 2000 I moved to Montana and this May I relocated to British Columbia. I followed my heart and am happy with where I have ended up. I am glad I got to experience an entirely different way of life.
As we proceed along our life path our needs and desires for how we want our life to be is in constant fluctuation.
You are not abandoning your beloved city you are leaving her in the care of the next wave of New Yorkers.
We know that she she will emerge a brighter beacon than before.
I was a Head Teacher for many years and served my community and my team often at the expense of my family and my own health. Over time I found ways of ensuring I protected my time for family and tried to live well in order to protect my health. I have now moved into another phase of my life but although injustice and inequality still fire me up, I am fortunate enough to have mentored new Heads and still work with them. I am confident in their compassion, abilities and will to serve their communities making children’s lives richer and better. They give me hope for the future.
You continue to surprise me and inspire me through each new article. Thank you for sharing your experiences and for selflessly helping so many people throughout your life. Your new home sounds wonderful, can’t wait to hear about it.
I only learned at 50 that I had to take care of myself first, if I was to be of any use to others. I had spent the first 50 years of my life as a people pleaser, always putting everyone else’s plans and care, ahead of my own. Something flipped when I turned 50. I divorced my controlling husband of 31 years, and am living on my own for the first time in my life. I am still there for the people in my life that I love and care about, but, I refuse to feel guilty for finally believing that I matter just as much as everyone else, and that taking care of me is my top priority. Anyone who tries to make me feel bad for doing that, has no place in my life. I turned 63 on Monday, and this is my time, my life. Negative energy is not welcome or tolerated, anymore. Love and light to you. Blessings on your new home.
I’m so sorry that you don’t feel safe in NYC any more! I have the opposite feeling. Living in the West Village, with most everyone wearing masks,I have felt very comforted by the number of restaurants on the street with people enjoying themselves and their friends. I’m older than you, 80 next month, still enjoying my real estate career and looking ahead to the next decade of my life. I said to all my college friends ‘I want to have FUN in my 80s and 90s!’ This is contrary to so much thinking when we get older but I don’t care. FUN is what I want! I have been through my share of difficult times–cancer, divorce, money issues, taking care of friends during the AIDS crisis including my former husband, loss of 3 brothers before their time, etc. Through it all my main balast has been doing what’s necessary, seeing what good is coming out of the latest experience, HUMOR and going easy on myself. I cannot stress the value of humor enough! One of my current respites is watching something funny before I go to bed–re-runs of ‘Frasier’ or ‘The Golden Girls’ help a LOT! All good wishes to you and enjoy your time fixing up your new place! That sounds like a lotta FUN to me!
How Wonderful that you are back and writing again! I am glad you are feeling better , and I look forward to your posts! And yes, I am also aware of a good fashionable wardrobe. Women should always look their best! “Duty of Care” has visited my door for 8 years. I retired from being a high school English/ESL Teacher to becoming a full-time caregiver to my Beloved Mom, who passed away 2 years ago. The old expression applies, “You can take the teacher out of the classroom, but you cannot take the classroom out of the teacher”. I was able to mentor new teachers for 2 years until my friend retired as a principal. The job was exhilarating and rewarding! Last year, I was subbing and enjoying that until this Pandemic hit. Hopefully, I will be able to resume subbing later on into the following year. I also miss the city and was all ready to have tea at the Laduree until the Pandemic. Let us all hope for the future and the best!
I worked in the chaplaincy of a high security male prison, 800 inmates. It was both wonderful and exhausting. Often standing between a prisoner and establishment trying to broker some kind of peace. Spending hours outside a cell door talking with an angry and violent man on Segregation wing or with a young guy on ‘dirty protest’. Self-harmers and suicide watch were a regular and all too frequent part of my day. And yet the place felt filled with light, both prisoners and staff offering opportunity to find grace in the day. I miss it now. Things were never dull. Tempestuous and terrifying in equal measure at times but always hopeful. My health suffered and I reached burn-out… sometimes the sadness of a particular individual would overwhelm but no regrets. It was a wonderful privilege to share those years with all of those people. ♥️
I can comprehend your blog so well – I was a Community & a Youth Worker until retirement… but have always sought out ways to bring my own community together here on a small island off the UK. You have survived huge events, and we will get through this one too.. thank you for your writings xxx
Working in disabilities for a not for profit organization I found I was always putting the needs of my company and clients above mine and my families.
I did this for 20 years, I was made redundant 3 years ago when the company was taken over by another.
I am still working in disabilities but for profit now.
I have reduced my hours and consider mine and my families needs now.
It has not been easy but I am in my mid 60’s now and I feel I need now to consider myself first as much as possible.
Oh, Lynn. You continue to inspire me. I have been wondering who I am, what I am inside. I feel that I only know myself through the perceptions of others; I’ve taken “them“ as the experts on “me.” Where did this come from? I think it’s always been there. My quest now is to find out what and who I am, and I’m not even entirely sure that’s a real concept. However, you keep me going; your pulse is on the deeper questions of being, while also celebrating what it is to be in this ephemeral physical world with grace and open eyes.
When I became a single mom in 2008, with a 6 and 3 yr old, I was overwhelmed and filled with shame. I was determined to make it work no matter how much work it took. I kept the big house on my safe neighborhood. I always put the the needs (emotional and physical) of my children first. Over the years, it was tough, but I was amazed that I was making it….making it one pay period at a time, but we made it. In 2013, I kept feeling that it was time to move and to move to the side of the state that I grew up in. In 2014, I made the move with my now 8th and 5th grader. The timing was now or wait. We found a home in a great school district. I felt the move was for me and for my kids. Now that I am a couple of years of being an empty nester, I find myself more excited about where I can move and really step into this next phase of my life. I will be almost 60 when that happens, but I know it is for me this time!
Being an adult child of two alcoholics, I have never, til now in my late 60’s put my own needs first. Now is a good time to let go of the past and trust in the future, while quietly focusing on the present, the only time we really have. I would be interested in hearing more posts of your new diet and rebuilding of your health… I do so enjoy your musings, not many places for us older gals to bond as it were…
I feel my life has been lived inside-out so far. When people talk about the growth in their 20’s, I struggle to relate. I was unable to truly focus on myself foremost until I turned 30. Up until then, most of my responsibilities involved caring for my disabled half-illiterate father and second-generation immigrant mother. Both had been heavily abused or neglected as children so had their own mental health struggles to top it. Nonetheless, they managed to procure successful work while my sister and myself were teenagers. They put us through private school in Los Angeles, California, while praying this experience would provide opportunities that they did not have. Then, they separated. The business fell apart as did our family’s finances. All of the trauma required re-building. As young teens or adults, my sister and I were expected to start participating. No time or money for college or university. We had to launch into work right away and live paycheck to paycheck for several years.
My parent’s life has only recently begun to normalize again to a point in which I can focus on my own needs for the first time since I was a child; my own health, education, finances, relationships, and more. For the first time, I can finally have a moment to breathe to myself and ask, “Okay, now what do I want? What do I need?” For the first time, I am able to even save money or create financial strategies.
I am now 30 years old. Individuation has only just begun. I am so thankful to finally have a “moment for me” that I feel in just under a year I have already blossomed over 2 years. I am truly soaking it up and working hard to make the best of it. I am dedicated to this sacred time. I am reestablishing a career and my education from scratch whereas many of my colleagues have already established that, have already started a family, or become engaged. Luckily, I managed to meet a man who has compassion for my story and is also making efforts to support my own chance at life how I define it.
Nor do I mean to sound as if I was complaining about my parents. They did not choose the circumstances they were born with or into. Their own lives were often out of their control and incredibly challenging. I have learned long ago it is best to stop blaming others and to own my life-story as an adult. Instead, when I feel stressed, sometimes I remind myself of how much they overcame just to provide a better life for my sister and myself. Whenever I feel I am facing an insurmountable sense of anxiety I remind myself, “If they can rise above that, I can rise above this.”
What helps me honor this next chapter is meditation. I take a special moment by gently bringing my dizzied head back into the present environment. I remind myself that in this present moment, I am supported and safe. I remind myself that the roof is not about to suddenly crumble. I remind myself that it is okay to have this moment for myself and to stop feeling guilty whenever I commit to school and work. I remind myself I deserve peace when I put my phone on Do Not Disturb to focus. I have this constant terrifying fear that these newfound opportunities will all be taken away from me again suddenly. The thought makes me so mad that my eyes water. I have to balm these anxious thoughts regularly in order to know the peace of mind I have always deserved. I know my meditation has succeeded when I have transitioned from a mental place of “reactive panic” to a more healthy place of “calm observance”. Then, I wash my face and apply makeup. I dress in something soft, stylish, and beautiful. I put on a yummy candle or spray myself in loving perfume. I have found power in owning my feminine style, my own sense of independence and tenderness. Then, I move on with my day thankful for what I have today. Perhaps all of this is why I instantly connected to your sense of individuated style and thoughtfulness. I want to *own* and be tender with my own sense of self, similarly.
I suppose my point in sharing this is to thank you for your work as a social worker. That entire job is emotionally immersive and taxing I imagine. However, I appreciate these roles exist to uplift those who maybe, like myself or my parents, did not have a chance to put our own needs first at one time for whatever reason. When you live every day just trying to survive or take care of others, it becomes very easy to fall prey to scary situations. That very easily could have been me too. As a teenager I often mingled with some careless crowds. I did not know any better. I was just trying to fit in, be loved, and connect. I was the epitome of innocent, needy, and vulnerable. I could have been one of those lost little girls you sought to protect and empower when cowards sought to exploit them. I still wonder with awe how our family got through such challenging circumstances.
At one point earlier in life, I tried to balance college courses. I significantly struggled to make it to class on time. I was frequently absolutely exhausted out of my mind. However, surprisingly, I never had a professor who did not believe me. Every single one was kind. Sometimes they would even let me nap during class or they would provide additional support so I could have the same chance at succeeding as my peers. Many professors and teachers are angels on earth.
You seem so kind and wonderfully thoughtful. I wish I could walk on over to visit you for a cup of your favorite tea or bite of your favorite snack! My wish for you is that you find peace in supporting your own needs again. A lifetime dedicated to connecting to and uplifting others… wow. You certainly deserve that tenderness in being increasingly taken care of and supported now.
xo
Your last paragraph is confusing me. Putting our health in the position of greatest authority means we are putting our needs first. This may get in the way of living our lives the way we’ve always thought we would live them yet it is an act of honoring ourselves that will reward us. And, yes, I’ve had to make this choice. It was the most difficult choice for me and I cried and, emotionally, fought before I made the choice which has freed me from much of the training society places on us. I’m finally finding out how to be completely true to me at the age of 63. I’m still learning and I’m shocked at how the independence I’ve gained inspires those around me.
I love all your writings, they inspire me every time I read them. After being a Community Dietitian in San Diego, CA for 15 years, we moved to Texas and I finally was able to go back to school and pursue a Masters Degree and Internship to become a Registered Dietitian. I’m 57 y/old. I feel guilty not working during this Pandemic because I know many people are struggling with food security. But this time I chose to Stay home and follow the dream of improving my education.
Take care! I’ve never been in NYC and that’s another one of my dreams! ?
What a wonderful homage to your City, and a homage to your Profession, which you practiced with all sincerity, heart and dedication as such professions should be practiced. I always admire your dedication and intelligence you offer towards your students, fashion and life in total.
I was a language teacher (German and French) for 30 years, taking students abroad to live with local families and teaching them the value of social and cultural diversity, and when I retired four years ago I was missing being around young people who will learn from me, and I can learn from them.
I still taught privately until Covit, and now I cultivate my garden and use the Arts to let myself inspire at home in the
rural Hudson Valley.
With deep admiration to your profession and dedication to the pleasures of life, I hope that you keep writing and inspire us with your knowledge.
Yours,
Hanna
I loved reading this and thank you. I moved to the city just before you, the year of the Blackout of ’77, then Son of Sam, the earthquake through Central Park that awoke me at 4ish a.m. A Southerner and determined to “make it in ‘ol New York”?…little time for myself or dating, I left it all behind and moved to coastal SC where I am surrounded by Great Egrets, Spanish moss and a slower pace. I miss Café Lalo on the UWS, a meadow I found in the park located on the Eastside Dr. climbing up the hill behind the Cougar sculpture…what peacefulness! Walks in the Village, going to Café La Lanterna on McDougal St. to listen to opera and drink hot Zabaglione on a cold winter day though it changed hands. I envy your descion to move and still be close enough to jump on a train. You have it all?
The dark and light sides of NYC.
I emphasize with your love of the city, although i never actually lived there. However, it was just a short hop away, and both my parents were born and bred in the city. Times were much different when i was a kid. My first solo to Manhattan was a combination bus/subway trip from home at the Nassau – Queens border to meet my father for lunch at his office on 32nd Street. I was not quite nine years old. Like Eloise, i had no fear of the city. Later, as a suburban mother, I couldn’t believe they had let me make that trip alone.
Thank you for this post. It was calming. With all that is going on recently I find myself easily upset and often depressed. Not so much when I read your blog posts.
That is my hope.
Yes very much so. I put off so many dreams of travel and now travel is off the table. Even Canada which I love. We all feel and are more vulnerable having friends suffering the after effects of Covid and other loved ones with serious chronic illness powerful reminders of the fragility and tenuousness of life. Thank you for your thoughtful postings
Yes, my duty of care was as an educator. I’ve had to step away due to the virus and feel I have abandoned the children and a large part of myself. I am handling this heaviness by resting and reading and cooking. I have not yet made it to the other side where I hope to find a new passion and commitment.
This is so sad. It’s exactly how I’m feeling right now; not moving from the city but leaving behind my working life and purposeful work. There is a great song by the Eagles, ‘It’s Your World Now’, that talks about moving on. Of course it’s really sad because Glen Frey died in 2016, but the words apply to life in general particularly as we age in this time of COVID. You’re lucky to have the challenge of a vintage home to renovate, new friends to make, and family close by. I love your posts, mainly for the fashion where you encourage us to be brave and choose our own style, but also for your words. I know they’re carefully chosen.
I’m young 72 with a great athletic husband, 3 daughters, 9 grandchildren, and many friends. I live in a beautiful historic fishing village on the west coast that just won ‘Best Neighbourhood’,. So really, I have no complaints. I’m always busy – thrifting, decorating, exercising or trying new healthy recipes. My latest adventure is in repurposing clothing and over-dyeing them. I just heard the geese over head is that another sign of change? So I’ll leave you with a poem.
Turn, turn, my wheel!
All things must change to something new,
To something strange;
nothing that is can pause or stay;
The moon will wax, the moon will wane,
The mist and cloud will turn to rain,
the rain to mist and cloud again,
tomorrow be today.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Thank you for that poem 🙂
It reminded me strongly of the Robert Frost poem
Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
So lovely thank you for sharing.
Thanks for the poem it’s just right!
We too are thinking of leaving the City!’ Sad . We are both life long New Yorkers but the crime & filth & homeless situation is too much . We have a weekend house an hour from our Manhattan apartment & have been hunkering down in that house. bc of covid. Periodically we go to the apartment & check it out for leaks , etc but I feel I do not belong there anymore . Strange. We shall assess our situation as the months go by. We are similar ages – you & I. Maybe it’s time for a new chapter in our lives. Maybe the City is not for us any longer . We shall see. Good luck with your new house. Keep us posted.
You too!
When I was 15, I had to care for my younger brother and sister. My father worked all day and my mom was schizophrenic and not doing well. I cared for my siblings from morning to bedtime. To care for myself, I did things with them that would help me too. Listening to Pink Floyd while lying on pillows on the floor in the dark; they were my models for photoshoots in the inner city; doing creative projects like baking fry bread, cookies or a cake; and singing spirituals. We got along well, the three of us. I wasn’t exactly a “good parent,” but I loved them dearly.
Your stories remind me of being the oldest of six and often had the responsibility to keep my siblings out of my mother’s hair. The imaginative games I conjured up to amuse them was the basis for a creative approach to life. You sound like a wonderful and creative big sister.
Enjoy your journey back to the Suburbs. I live in a suburb of Chicago just steps away from Chicago and only 15-20 minutes downtown on the fast train. I guess you are part of the migration out of the city to the quiet burbs?
Also love the jeans, shirt and crossbody bag…
Thank you for this post. I too, have left New York and it is terribly bittersweet. I loved not having to plan entertainment – taking a walk was always interesting and often exciting. I miss that feeling of “anything could happen” — and it usually DID! That said, I am enjoying a calmer life, which in turn is good for cultivating a richer inner life, in itself is its own reward. And I am lucky to visit New York often, to reconnect with friends, favorite places, and the incomparable pleasure of a long, long walk.
Thank you for this, it makes me see I will be fine.
I enjoyed your article. I was also a public service worker for the federal government for 31 years. Although we still feel the call to duty, that duty is now to take care of yourself so that in the future, we yet may be able to help others.
Yes, in this NOW, you need to let yourself enjoy having a new house. How exciting! I am sure that you will have those impulses to hop on the train, and isn’t it great that you can do that. I am also sure that once you get settled in your new home and the surrounding area, you will find much to explore and new friends to enjoy.
Yes I am excited about all the new discoveries.
I think everyone is sometimes confronted with a duty of care towards others and somehow you are going to make it happen, either for your child or for relatives and also for people who are not in your family or circle of friends belong. In the past I was charged with managing the finances of my clients for my job and I can tell you that in the banking sector it is not always easy to fulfill the needs or desires of the client and where gratitude is often misused. Through that experience I have learned to distance myself from certain needs of others, it has made me stronger and certainly in the sense that I have started to do more and more self-care because it is also very important for both yourself and others, helping is not often the solution the person in question must also be open to it and take matters into his own hands and that is how you arrive at a solution that is my idea about this. You can get satisfaction in life when you yourself are one with your feelings, thoughts and ideas that you support yourself and go for, that brings the deserved REST !!!
Single mothers are all about “experiencing a duty of care that gets in the way of you putting your needs first”. :’-} I managed by being a little bit selfish. I protected my sleep, at all costs. I know sleep is vital to my health. I believe it’s when our bodies (& minds) repair themselves. I used my long commute as “me time” (audio books, podcasts, my music, handsfree phone calls, coffee & silent thinking time). I used some of my lunch hours as me time (reading, writing, knitting, daydreaming, walks in the woods, teaching a yoga class) or running errands, to save my precious time at home for more important things, like quality time with my kiddos. I had a motto…”don’t do anything at home that I could do at work”. Meaning…I had to be away from home from 6 am – 4:30 pm Mon – Fri. I used those hours for everything I could pack in…leaving evenings & weekends as clear as possible for my children. I’ve always made time for therapy, too…even when I couldn’t really afford it. It’s been a saving grace for me.
When I was young & my children were young…still going to their dad’s every other weekend…I’d go on dirt cheap weekend getaways as often as possible…to restore my soul…usually to the woods, no matter the season. I’d retreat…return to simplest basics…eat, sleep, walks…no pulls on me for a day or two…then I could return to my 4:30 am alarms & marathon schedule, refreshed.
That kind of self0care is ironically what ends up making us better mothers.
thank you for this post. I am not a social worker but have worked with many during my employment at not for profit Jewish organizations. They too have stories of horror and good. It takes a special person to do what you have done and if you did not save all you saved a few and that is enough.
My clients actually saved me!
This really moved me. I too left a neighborhood in Indianapolis after 27 yrs. of Special Education teaching. I did live out of town and drove 61 mi. each way to teach…such was my commitment. That city has been ruined by current leadership especially the downtown is ruined. It was torched, now businesses can’t operate, crime and homelessness are no longer looked upon with a sympathetic ear especially as you said by our age group. I’m much older than you-70.5. One of you best writings. Best wishes to you and yours for continued health, happiness, success and safety. Sincerely, Kathy Lewis Bartlett.
Thank you and the same to you.
The first thing that comes to my mind is being a mother! It’s almost universal that we put our children first.
I’ve given several days of self care to help several Hispanic families in my area. It is difficult to self care because they still need help.
This is everything g right now.. you’re expressing so much of a woman here .. feeling the loss of our former life so very much … thank you AI and be well and safe.
I call myself “the oldest working newspaper reporter in the world.” It has been a calling since high school. At nearly 83 I am still keeping up – but more slowly – with my beat assignments which are of my own making and getting fewer and fewer as I get older andolder. I have been a small-town reporter for over 50 years through motherhood when women did not “work outside the home.” Today I still crave that “insider’s view” covering the news has given me. Sadly, with the growing demise of words on newsprint, I find myself obligated to keep on going to preserve what has been built here and to be witness to its final edition when it comes. In the end, I may need to quit before the newspaper stops printing. I cannot trust my balance anymore even standing upright with a cane. Fortunately my mind is still friends with my brain and my curiosity level remains. The job of relaying to readers the things that they should know about their town is becoming extinct. The village’s Facebook page now covers the “news” without two sources and an editor. I feel closets to this narrowing readership in a weekly column that attempts to be smart, current, funny, sometimes political and thoughtful. Now, with covid ever with us, I work virtually at home covering zoom meetings and in-person (with a mask) visits to the village police station for the paper’s “police blotter” feature. Interviews are by phone or email. Truth to tell, covid has helped extend my stay at the newspaper. The newspaper and I are of the same vintage. The question remains which “old lady” goes first.
May your new home and surroundings bring you new vigor, fun, a challenge or two and well-earned peace of spirit.
Inspiring in so many ways, thank you so much.
Thank you for your many years of service to your community. I’m sure that your work has touched many, many lives. Personally I balance the rewarding work I do as a mental health therapist of 30 years with being a creative maker, currently as a jewelry designer and previously a textile artist. Doing both keeps me moving forward and healthy.
The art and science of care both are necessary.
My parents retired to Texas with my sister who has Down syndrome. In all my visits, it was never my speed. We were from Chicago, with its beautiful Lake, planned public greenspace, cafes, galleries. A multimodal city, on foot or by wheel. Dementia and cancer set in several years ago and I began commuting as there is no family in Texas. The time spent with them as daughter, caregiver, advocate was the right thing. My sister couldn’t get Illinois funding and I did a cross country move late last year because she’s in Texas alone. She’s been on lockdown in a group home since March, and I see her through a glass door for minutes weekly. The southern social, cultural and political differences don’t nourish my spirit. Being single without children, no friends and an a isolating pandemic has left a huge emotional void. Working part time or not at all has depleted my savings. I’m in that duty of care and it has gone on for longer than I can bear. I am wary of close contact for health risks and the little this city has to offer is even more limited. I’ve had hopelessness wash over me. Old friends in Chicago losing businesses and passing. Until I wrote now, I think I wasn’t conscious of it all. Ruth Bader Ginsberg service today had me appreciate her efforts to affect so many women directly and I yearned to go back in time for a life redo. I must reinvent myself to replenish my spirit and savings. We continue to reinvent til the end. So this redo is for my future rather than my past. I don’t know what and how it will look. I search online for spiritual nourishment, embrace bits of nature when possible. Talking with old friends by phone. Taking online classes for my next chapter. Stay engaged, embrace the quiet. Dream. Cry. Feel. Grateful for today.
I admire what you have sacrificed on behalf of your sister, she is so lucky to have you. when you give the way you have I know your time will some. Stay here for re-invention journeys. Many of my readers take them and you will find inspirations and ideas.Blessings to you.
I am trying my best to manage now. I moved from Sonoma wine country in Northern California 17 years ago having lived there for 13 years I was born and raised in Southern California at the beach. We moved across the country to Virginia 17 years ago, to property on a mountain. The “city” is 30 minutes away by car with grocery and other stores dotted around. A long time theater, opera, symphony goer and member of museums as well as active fund raiser for the arts I find myself missing those things the most. My husband and I haven’t been to a restaurant since March. Self care now means keeping to ourselves going safely out when we must, groceries or home improvement supplies. I feel that I’ve become an alchemist in the kitchen. To be honest I don’t want my life to go back to exactly where it was but I certainly will enjoy getting back to my season ticket seat at the Symphony and Opera. I will appreciate the glorious art at our museums.
Yes, I am happy that I will not be too far for visits but life at this time seems for me to prioritize safety and health.
I am feeling that way as I read your post. After 42 years of motherhood, my husband and I are alone in the mausoleum (as I call my 115 year old original farmhouse)
I am by far the healthier of the two of us (despite suffering an aneurism a year ago) and am chomping at the bit to do the opposite of you. I want to flee to a city and experience all that urban living has to offer. I have lived in a small town in Pa for the majority of my life and crave new experiences. Leaving my car at home. . . hell, maybe not EVEN bringing it . . . and exploring everything on foot. Museums, theaters, lectures, all the things my small town lacks.
But.
My dear, long suffering husband wants no part of that. And I care FOR him and understand I may be literally caring for him sooner rather than later. So where do my loyalties . . . my DUTY . . . lie? It will take some heart pondering. I wish you well on YOUR journey.
and I wish you well on yours!
Yes! Being much too independent for as the youngest of five, I moved across country for my first job, experiencing all the travel, beach and adventure I could manage. Then I had a child and thereafter became known as Emily’s mom. It wasn’t until I sat through her first theater orientation that I had that epiphany. Why hadn’t I auditioned as well?!!! Having been “raised in a theater trunk,” I was so eager for my children to experience the same thrills, I left myself behind. Over the years I slowly worked my way back in, so that my children, a bit older, could then sit and wait for me.
I don’t know where you will wear all those chic outfits in the ‘burbs, but I am envious of that 1912 house.
Great story.
As a young hospital doctor I went on duty and forgot the outside world
I was often traumatised after a busy weekend of emergencies
It was expected of you to keep going. No debriefing or counselling
We usually hit the bar after work
Now, like you I am retired but still feel a duty of care t0 the Asylum Seekers I volunteer to mentor but I leave their problems to one side when I come home and don’t hit the bar.
Progress!
I hope I don’t make you regret you asked! I’m currently caring for my mother, who is ninety six, and who lives with me. She moved here a year ago, after my father died, and I added on to my 1920 urban home to make a space for her. She is at a point where she needs my help but isn’t aware of how much she needs. I have resigned from my career (that’s OK, I’m sixty nine) so I am available to her. We’ve been socially distancing and staying home since March, so we are pretty much the only company the other has. We have never gotten along and our relationship is stilted and difficult. We are forever offending each other.
She gets her own breakfast and lunch, and I cook dinner every day. Something I’ve never done; my habit is toast and cottage cheese for dinner, or something like that. She likes only bland food/meat and potatoes; I like spicy, unusual, ethnic foods. I have felt since childhood that my mother has not a clue who I am and that has not changed. I’ve gained twenty pounds since March, in spite of walking 2-4 miles almost every day. She gave me a weight loss pamphlet the other day. She had the insight to realize this was hurtful and apologized after a fashion. We got a puppy and that’s helped bridge the gap a little bit, because she is a shared job (and joy), but it falls to me to do most of her care, since my mother is not attentive enough to her cues for going outside and such. My mother is pretty mobile, so I’m not doing physical care yet, for which I’m grateful.
Truth be told, your question is eye-opening because I don’t think I’m putting ANY of my own needs first. My brother is not available to us because he lives in another state, but also because he is a science denier and didn’t feel he needed to wear a mask the one time he visited. My goal has been to keep her (as well as myself) safe from covid and as you know, there is no end in sight. And I could really use some respite. One quandary would be telling my mother I need a break. She would not understand at all, because, back to the beginning of all this, she does not realize how dependent on me she is. She would be angry at the thought. She’s still mad that she had to leave her home of sixty years, and I get that. And she still grieves for my father. She misses her friends and her old life so much. She moved from Massachusetts to Tennessee and culture shock is real. She’s always thought Southerners were just dumb, and mocks the southern accent cruelly. She’s always pointing out how different things are here, in a negative way.
Your question makes me think, as well, that if I carry on like this, it bodes ill for me and my mental health. I think stress hormones (and comfort eating) are contributing to the weight gain. My mood is a little depressed, but I thank god I’m an introvert so I think I’m tolerating the isolation better than some. I don’t want resentment to start coming out sideways.
Some things I do for me: walking every day. I listen to music then. I talk on the phone with a few friends every day. I’m in AA and the principles and steps of the program guide me well. I do a couple of meetings a week on zoom. I make art, mostly in the form of altered books. I make a meal for my son and his family once a week so I can see my granddaughters for a few minutes. I read the Times, do the crossword. I do a little bit of yoga and meditation.
Writing all this has been beneficial. What do you make of it? I wish you well in your move out of the city and love hearing about your life there. It might be too late for me to ever have that experience! I’ve heard “live in NYC before you get too soft, and live in SF before you get too hard” or some such quote. My alternate places were Atlanta and Vermont and I loved them both. Nashville is home now.
Disregard if I’m oversharing!
I think you are sharing a narrative that many women can relate to. Sometimes hearing about another experience helps us to re-evaluate ours. I often write to figure out my thoughts and feelings and happy you felt you could here.
Thanks for sharing your story ❤️ To answer your question ? At 74 I’m still working 6 days a week as a companion & caretaker to a lovely, energetic 90 year Lady, I truly like and admire…that is what makes me feel as though I’m taking care of myself and I actually am!!!?? Blessings ?
Lovely.
I think duty of care issues are primary in the lives of all women. It seems that it is more often the mother who takes a day off work to care for a sick child, and the female partner who organizes the emotional life of a couple. Many of us choose our work to express a need to care for our communities. We practice professions once restricted to men with a duty of care bias — witness the fact that governments headed by women have performed more favorably during the epidemic, that banks with women on their Boards of Directors fared better in the financial crisis and that our beloved RBG fought inequality in the law on behalf of men as well as women. Many of us have reached that marvelous age when those we have cared for — patients, students, children, employees, clients, have been passed into the hands of others and we can turn down the obligation and turn up the fun. Hooray!
Thanks for this lovely post and for reminding us of the vitality and excitement of cities. Good for you for choosing to sample them on your own schedule and for opening a new chapter in an old house.
Very much appreciate your comments about women leaders. we really need more of them right now.
I love your posts. I can totally feel your emotions and the energies as you reevaluate what this world has forced us to become. This year, on September 11 no less, i turned 52. I wondered where my individuality, my bold, my eccentric had disappeared to. She was finally feeling comfortable being herself. I came across the accidental icon and knew it was a sign i am on the right path! This damn virus stifled that and a million other plans, adventures, hopes, dreams and aspirations. Thank you Lyn. You still inspire me, dare me to wear that mask that makes a statement and to keep a smile under the mask too.
Thank you so much for letting me know your thoughts.
I too, have put my job aside. I am living mostly at home in a quiet community. I was teaching for over 17 years and have moved to California recently. I don’t know many people so that in it self has been an adventure. I wasn’t excited about actually venturing out to teach in schools, without any protection, in the world at large with guns, and violence at any moment. I tried nannying, but that too had its limitations with the Pandemic. I am 67 with asthma.
So I have been taking my own health more seriously. I have been volunteering as a teacher online. I started a new diet regime where I have lost 22 lbs, I am teaching yoga and meditation, and settled into a relaxed yet productive time at home. We all have to come to this turn in our lives sooner or later. Healthy and strong, my goal is to live a longer life now without the stress of being “ in the world”. A wise teacher of mine stated: ”Be in the world but not of the world!”
Wise words.
So wonderful to hear you and your thoughts, and always beautifully written. Yes, my duty of care is right now to the remote learning of my 8 year old twins. I have chosen to homeschool them to keep them safer than if they were in school in person. It is a blessing as well as a curse to have my photography business completely upside down, thus having the extra time to teach my children. I have not had opportunity to think about how my livelihood has been stunted by this virus, not to mention my creative outlet. But, with the advent of my trusty phone camera, I can easily feed my love of creating art by aiming and shooting just about anything that catches my eye.
Thanks again Lyn, and look forward to hearing more of your thoughts and adventures. ❤️
So many moms are in the same situation. Many women unable to focus on careers because of the need to attend to their children’s education
I love reading your posts. They are so honest and thoughtful. I’m glad you feel better and keep taking care of yourself. I ha r lived outside of the city for 25 years and really love it. Every day a bit more. At first I craved going to Manhattan, and needed the stimulation that it gave. But now I treasure the quiet, space and time that the suburbs offer. Can’t wait to read how your life evolves.
Thanks so much!
Hooray!
My heart rejoices for you!
Last year, I retired from more than 40 years of work in government and private. Phew!
I had no idea how much I needed self-care for me. I was also involved in a busy ministry and the duties of all functions pulled greatly from me. Each time I thought to make adjustments I felt the surge of guilt I still cannot fully explain.
Thankfully, I did retired and today, I am far more rested and relaxed. And, the multiple projects that sat around my house for years are now getting the much needed attention they deserved.
and mine rejoices for you!
I feel very committed to my piano students. Music saved me in so many ways that I want as many to have music in their lives as well. I have seldom said no to a new music student. I am sure there will be a time that I will have to say no.
My husband, Calvin, (I know !!) keeps saying we are now in our 4th quarter and it makes sense to revisit our first quarter. It’s a circle. Embrace the burbs, the slowness, the lack of stairs, the quality of air, and new friends. Visit the city for the wonderfulness of it but go home to your new house. We live in Oakland and seriously thinking of moving to a more serene place. Struggling with the lack of diversity and culture that we won’t be able to duplicate. Calvin is a jazz musician and I’m a retired teacher and we are searching for our place as well.
Sounds a lot like me and my Calving lol
This piece captured my attention and I read the whole thing. I loved the blouse, the french tuck. It looks like vintage Marimekkko. I am no longer 15 either like when I use to venture into North Beach with what was left of the Poets and Beats. Then later while I live and worked in the Haight . We closed out Stained Glass and jewelry store in 2016. My husband is 70 and I will be 69 in December. The Pandemic makes me feel vulnerable and having to live through the season of #45 seems like the worse kind of science-fiction. Yet a good cup of coffee in the morning, herbal tea all day and talking to my daughters and zooming with my grand-children is my new normal. When I first got turned onto you I loved seeing and older woman in fashion. While I still wear my vintage dresses, old ikats and Johnny Was and anything ethnic and colorful, yes the Haight and my travel’s to India have left their stamp on me. This time is difficult and I meditate twice a day and I pray. My best friend is a social worker. She works with the least of these and I am grateful for her doing the work she does and I am so glad that I ran into an article about you one day long ago. Peace
Thank you, I enjoyed reading about your San Francisco life.
With regard to duty, I have a rule that I learned from the airlines. Put your own oxygen mask on before helping others. One of the best things about aging is that I have gotten better about knowing when I have to put on the oxygen mask.
My partner was so important that I was accepting a life as a second class citizen because we had over ten years together. I was angry about things that had happened. My partner said if I didn’t stop fighting we would have to break up. I couldn’t stop fighting, trying to right the relationship. Finally, I understood that drastic change was necessary. It was very hard and painful but I packed up and moved far away. I broke off the relationship.
Today my life is filled with solitude and responsibility. Setting up a new home, just for me, taught me to enjoy my morning coffee and then get moving. I am constantly working on making a beautiful life for myself. A comfortable and pretty nest holds me safe, allowing me to restore, giving me the strength I need to treat others with kindness and generosity.
A very brave story, congratulations.
Lovely soothing article
I am, at 66, struggling with thec”duty of care” right now. I am strugi g to create a safe place in the midst. I retired as a. Advocate a year ago, now my husband has serious health issues. I am also trying to return to my authentic self I somehow lost along the way. My story is different, yet, your words resonate in me.
I wish you well in the return to your authentic self.
Hi Lyn, I share your journey from a large city dwelling to a suburban one. I, too, left my home city of Chicago in 2017 due to violence, and re-located to a smaller city in the state of Maryland. I now live in Columbia, Maryland. It pains me that I had to leave my relatives, and very dear friends because of some idiot people who relished shooting on the city’s streets. Some shots made their mark while, fortunately, others did not. I was fortunate that the shots fired on my street as I was walking to my car, did not hit anyone. It scared me so badly. I started packing that evening, and was on my way to Maryland within the month. It is fortunate that I was able to leave quickly; so many of my friends cannot, and are now waiting for their property to sell before they can leave. I am happy here, and have made new friends. I’m still in contact with Chicago friends, and I have visited often. I do miss all that was familiar in my home city, too. Good luck to you in your new surroundings.
Thanks for sharing your journey with me.
This is so raw, courageous and beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story and for your vulnerability. Sending you love and light as you embark on your new journey.
Thanks so much.
I am 63 and I am still working ,as a Property Manager for a Senior Comp!ex , I moved from Chicago which I loved so much in 2003 to let my son finish high school to live in Albany Georgia this was a big change for me , I have work all my life ,the city just had crime and gangs and that I did not want for my son. Well he did great wet to college graduated and now works in a Bank in Atlanta as a VP ,I still live in Albany nothing like a big city nothing to do , I am stuck between retiring at 65 and moving to Atlanta to be close to my son ,my husband who has already retried does not want to move . I have enjoyed my job since I been here, I have accomplished a lot to get this property going . I am so ready to do something different work for myself again,did that for 17 years in Chicago, I miss the restaurants and seeing people at the cafe ,I miss going to plays and concerts , I admire you and I understand how you feel , it feels so lonely ,like life just got taken away from us, but we keep on getting up and accepting the changes that has occurred. This world is so full of anger and hate and now this Virus that nobody in this part really know anything about it or what to do,so many have died and paid a price.
I am ready to make a comfortable place of happiness for me , I want to enjoy planting flowers fixing up my home . This Virus has taught me a lot , I had plans to travel and travel some more but right now I will be grateful for a nice beautiful cozy safe home and work just a couple of days a weak. I use to think of i worked and worked i would have a big house and so much but now I don’t need that I just want my health my health mind and happiness , if I have that I have everything.
I just admire you so much ,I look at you and I don’t even think about age or getting old.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Health mind and happiness are what I aspire to as well. Cozy and safe are key words too.
I am glad to see you back. I envy your being able, at 15, to jump into NY City for a cup of tea and inspiration. Let’s raise a toast to the proliferation of Big Ideas.
And if you’re a tea person, try Murchie’s in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada.
I have experienced a duty of care that gets in the way of putting my own needs first, and then I realized my duty of care IS my own need. What the heck. There it is. On we go.
Carry on. Don’t give up, and don’t give in.
Well said.
Hi Lyn, We must be kind to ourselves and recognize our feelings. Someone wrote that on your last post and it resonates with me. This is even more important right now during a pandemic when we may be more vulnerable. Thanks for writing your raw and heartfelt feelings about moving from the city to the outskirts. Our health and well-being is our gold. Keep writing, Lyn. It helps me cope with the isolation of distancing.
Your comments are my motivation to keep writing thank you.
Thank you for your posts, particularly regarding the pandemic. I am in Melbourne, Australia, and we have been locked down for a long, long time, but happily it is working. We are fortunate to have a very strong Premier, Dan Andrews, who has taken the health advice even when there were many people worrying about the economy. His logic, which we share (as do many others in Melbourne) is that people dying is also very bad for the economy, and social cohesion is more important than ever under these difficult times.
I am sorry to read about your President’s attitude – he has been responsible for exacerbating a very difficult situation because of his weakness. I lived in the States as a child (Virginia, Kansas and Washington DC) and have very fond memories, but no desire to return at the moment.
Enjoy your new home, it sounds great. Stay well,
Thank you I hope things will improve in November.
Everything you say resonates with me especially the word stultify. I feel stultified now and again and didn’t realize it was a thing. I just thought I was being unresourceful, unproductive and lazy. I’m so glad stultify is a thing because it’s so true. If I get away from the house, I feel so much better and want to be home. Thanks for your wisdom!
P.S. How do you get/keep your hair so white. My hair tends to turn yellow or brownish. Any advice would be appreciated.
Stay tuned. I have a sponsored post coming about just that very question!
You deserve a good time now! Let others take care of you for a change 🙂
I have been active in social work every since I stepped into society after I graduated from the university. I believed that as I grow, I should contribute my bit along the way.
Last year as I turned 50 and exhausted, my Reiki teacher rightly pointed out that “charity is a choice; not a responsibility”. I decided to put down all commitment to social work (in addition to a full-time career) and started taking care of myself.
I feel more balanced and healthy as a result. Without guilt, I feel it’s time to let others fill the gaps in our society and it’s my time for self-care and enjoy life while I am still physically fit.
There’s a time for various things in life. Embrace the stages and adjust accordingly. It’s OK.
Thank you!
Liebe Lyn
Sorgfaltspflicht, die mir in den Weg kommt? Ja, kenne ich gut: Ich arbeite seit ich pensioniert bin als Sterbe- und Trauerbegleiterin. Dasein für Betroffene und Angehörige in diesen nicht einfachen Übergangszeiten des Sterbens, wo manchmal vieles noch aufbricht, was lange Jahre unterdrückt war. Dann kam dieses Virus und ich musste plötzlich aus gesundheitlichen Gründen gut für mich schauen.
Mich plagte ein schlechtes Gewissen im Sinne von: Ich lasse die Menschen im Stich. Die letzten 28 Wochen haben mich gelehrt, dass dem nicht so ist. Für mich hat in dieser Zeitspanne ein Prozess der Reflexion, Klärung und Neuausrichtung stattgefunden -bin immer noch dran- den ich in dieser Tiefe nie für möglich gehalten hätte. Wie wunderbar, ich bin heute viel mehr bei mir, erfüllte und dankbar ob der vielen Möglichkeiten, die mir das Leben trotz C. bietet.
Wenn ich deine Zeilen lese, habe ich den Impuls, dass du ein Buch schreiben solltest über dass was du in dieser Stadt erlebt hast, deine klugen Gedanken dazu, was gelungen ist, was nicht…das was du anders machen würdest, dass was du an Spuren hinterlassen hast. Ich würde es riesig gern lesen. Was ist aus den Menschen geworden, die du begleitet hast?
Ich danke dir von Herzen, dass du dein Sein in unsere WENITY trägst, mein neuester Begriff für unser Gemeinschaft.
liebe Grüsse
CH-Renate
I work in local government in the UK. I work as a professional in a central service so I deal with social workers and health care workers, along with everything else.
The projects I’ve been supporting will be ones you know well. I put too much of myself into my work and more so since just before lockdown here. But with a chronic illness I haven’t been careful enough of my own needs and the amount of rest I need.
It’s hard to tell people to wait when they need help to organise testing or clear patients out of hospital and into social care to free up beds.
I don’t have a solution. My therapy journey is hitting a place where supporting myself is just a bit easier than it used to be. There will always be more work. My to do list will never be zero. While that might sound depressing, it’s actually something helping me to ease back.
Enjoy the new house! Enjoy what you can.
Take good care within the limits of this unprecedented time.
I too am right where you are except a nurse practitioner. I bought a safe little cabin way up in the mountains and am doing things I always said I would. I feel guilty about abandoning my work in ER’s and just looking out for me too.
Most women of a certain age have experienced a duty of care that prevented them from putting their needs first. And, in general, this is the pattern of women’s lives. My own was twofold. First I raised my two children alone while holding a full-time job where I rose from bookkeeper to executive director of a small insurance agency. The children came first, always. Second, I became my husband’s caretaker while he died from diabetes, IBS, and then cancer, all of which culminated in dementia.
His several years of total physical dependence on me kept me from sleeping through the night in one piece. Not much sleep, physical exertion beyond my usual capacity, and a heart breaking anguish watching him lose his wonderful self took over my life for a while. How I managed? I am not sure except that I loved this man enough to endure anything to keep him safe, clean and dry, and as painfree as possible.
He’s been gone now for ten years. I still miss him but no longer feel guilty for taking care of myself as I did the first years without his needs coming before mine. I hope that I have not become selfish in caring for myself in my 80th year. My days are not totally painfree now but they are bearable. My surviving child loves me and brings groceries when I cannot go out the house. I am mostly content with my life.
I am grateful for what I have, a comfortable home, enough to eat, a few friends here and there, and all the time in the world to read all the books in my library. The TV and computer keep me aware of the world’s doings, not always happy. But I still feel a part of that world out there. And my brain is kept healthy and busy writing a blog that I hope helps other women who are left alone after a busy life. Life is still good.
What an inspiration, thank you!
Love your posts. I experienced a duty of care every day when I was a single mother of 3 boys. Now I find myself, reaching out to strangers in need. Two days ago I helped an elderly woman get her car started, loaned her my cell phone(her flip phone was home, being charged) then following her home to be sure she arrived safely. I found myself happier at the end of the day. Guess that is why we both do it. Take care and be safe!
You nailed it! I always got much more than I ever gave when I helped others on a daily basis.
I, too, cared for an aging parent and a husband who developed Parkinson’s and ultimately passed away. Along the way in my life’s journey were elderly aunts, uncles, in-laws and friends. Maybe I’m a Pollyanna, but I never considered it a duty to care for them. All had given me so much over the years—love, encouragement, shoulders to cry on, joy. Gifts I could never repay. It was only right I should care for them in their time of need. But I also took time to develop my interests which now keep me in good stead. Self-quarantining has allowed me to do so many of the things I have put on the back burner. None of us wanted to have our life so disrupted. It’s easy to go along as we always have. I believe this pandemic should make us take stock of what is valuable in life. It is a challenge, but I am confident that we will be better for facing it. What is important in your life? What can you do to make a better world for yourself as well as others. It is your choice to offer your talents not your duty. Give happily, willingly and cheerfully. You will be a better person at the end of each day.
Your posts are so thought provoking. Thank you. I’ve just retired after teaching at colleges and universities, the last of which necessitated me living apart from my husband in a different state. Retirement has meant leaving my home of 25 years and living full time with my husband. It’s been a real transition. I feel bereft of my professional identity and purpose in life yet living with my husband full time has made me see how much was missed for a quarter of a century. I’m still finding my footing, trying to carve a sense of self, changing how I dress, relinquishing some of the baggage I’ve carried but keeping important files and books.
I can very much relate. The professional identity part especially.
Wondering why my submitted comment was removed. I answered with my thoughts on the duty of care that I lived and that a lot of older women live. I read every one of these comments. Admirable women for doing what they think needs or needed to be done. I am just wondering what was unacceptable with my heartfelt comment.
I have not removed any comments as I am just getting to reviewing them today. Not sure what may have happened.
I lived in NYC for 40 years, through each crisis except this one. My response to its traumas was always that my city needed me to be there in solidarity and care, and I always helped out. When Covid descended on the city my first impulse was to run back – my city needed me. But the city is a cruel mistress/master, as you know. I left 5 years ago because the 2008 recession waylaid my career. I hung on for 6 years more and then, somewhat chaotically, moved to the Western Catskills, where I never wanted to be full-time, 3 hours away. I was devastated to leave town, a melancholy still lingers BUT – for many reasons I realize now I may have needed to retreat to a life that was closer to the ground, to nature, quiet, fresh air, seasonal rhythms, with more time to read, write, reflect, to take better care of myself, to accept that I’m not as resilient with age and find ways to understand what that means. I still work and before Covid I went to the city as often as I could, having always kept my city friends close – and my doctors! Now I feel I’m in transition and will return in some way in the near future, tho’ both its future and mine are unclear. I looked out the window over my large lawn the other day, beautiful but with no buildings or people, and felt like the young girl I once was, looking at my childhood suburban lawn, longing for “the real world” that was “out there” while I was – here, which felt to me like nowhere at the time. I love the country well enough but the city created a lot of the woman I became and I’ll always need city and country to be truly satisfied. If it’s even possible, lets see how close I can get to both in the future.
It sounds like you’re in transition and are instinctually doing the right thing in taking care of yourself. Your professional career as a social worker and professor are behind you, tho’ it could continue in some form and, for the moment, engagement with fashion as a practice and the fashion world is somewhat in hiatus, though you’ve kept it all alive for us in a great way during these past isolating months. I don’t know if you still have your apartment but being an hour away will make it easy dip in and out of the city. It could be quite interesting. Enjoy fixing your new home, other ideas about this moment and the next ones will percolate under the surface up and reveal themselves as you live your daily life.
Such rich experiences here. I have to hope I can continue to have both but I do seem to have a much greater capacity to live in the moment and see how it all unfolds.
Another time of great challenge is just beginning for me. I live in Memphis, TN. Many consider it a dangerous city. I used to be bold, independent, venturing into the woods alone – at will. Working nights, arriving home alone to an empty apartment. But a robbery complete with a black eye, having random men exposing their genitals, & the big gulp- rape at gunpoint have thwarted my bravado. That rape happened 30 years ago. Now I long for the solace of a walk in the woods. Just yesterday my partner of the last 20+ years was transferred to the geriatric unit at the hospital where he had admitted himself for alcohol rehab. He has lost track of time. He thinks it’s April. Is having trouble feeding himself & is incontinent. Yes. Memphis is a dangerous city. The world is a dangerous place.
I am wishing you whatever strength you need to get through the challenges you are facing now. It sounds like you survived some very formidable ones in the past. Prayers.
Yes, an unhealthy and self destructive “duty of care” to take care of everyone else’s needs first. I was codependent and had a history of self abandonment and self denial … but I didn’t know it. I’m writing a book right now about the cost of low self worth. I love your blog. You inspire me and I am very inspired by this life transition you are in.. the myriad of emotions and how we go through the passageways of change … parts of us want to desperately hold on to the familiar .. and yet life beckons us forward. Keep moving forward. Follow where your heart and spirit lead. That’s what’s important….. With love.
Good luck with your book, it sounds like an important journey to share.
So good to hear that you are on the mend and starting back to your rambles and ruminations. Also, how exciting that you will be getting a new abode! My house is a c1850 horse stable, and an old house feature you may discover is a formidable spider dynasty, so watch out for the little critters.
Re: Duty of care. I’m enjoying my last sabbatical this semester so have no duty to care for anyone but myself. It is delightful. I had an artist residency lined up, but the org closed for covid until 2021, a disappointment at first, but now I’ve settled in. Establishing a routine, even a simple one feels important to keep me in good spirits and from frittering away time and energy: waking up early, meditation, hearty breakfast, then studio 5-6 hours, where so far, I’ve produced a good volume of work that pleases me. Presently there are three pieces in progress at the same time, something that never happens when I’m teaching. I’ve worried about retirement in the year after this sabbatical, but now think it will be okay, that while I’ll miss students and their young creative energy, I will relish being absorbed in my own work.
I like the photo of casual you in this post very much. While you look beautiful decked out in dry clean only pieces, you also rock a cotton shirt and simple earrings. I used to wear large scale artist-made earrings but my earlobes just can’t take those now, so I live/eat/sleep in a pair of beautiful pearl drop earrings that belonged to my mother. We bought them on a trip to NYC when we were both young women and it is good memory.
So many gems here, thank you.
YES!
I had to move to ITALY.Florence to be MORE precise.MY in laws had passed and there were three teenage girls still at home the youngest being 14.MY ITALIAN promised his Mother on her death bed he would go home and care for them.I jumped in with all TWO FEET and TWO YOUNG SONS.WE sold most of our possessions or gave away as NO COMPANY was footing the bill.I did NOT speak the language except for CIAO and ARRIVERDERCI .
The girls did NOT speak ENGLISH.
Lets just say it was NOT easy for me but I over came it and have funny stories to share like buying horse meat instead of Prosciutto!Getting my bank card stuck in the money machine outside the bank as I didnot understand what the MACHINE was saying to me!The bank closes for LUNCH over there like everything else but they OPENED THE BIG GLASS DOOR FOR THE AMERICANA!!!!Gave me my card back and lots of money so I could buy Christmas gifts and all this with NO CHECK or account number!!!!!!!!!!!!They knew who I was.SMALL TOWN ITALY AT ITS BEST!
After three years we came back to the USA………..I dragging my feet with two sons who were bi-lingual by then, two black Labs and two cats and if the bunny had not fallen off the balcony well he would have been in my coat!
IT WAS THE BEST EXPERIENCE FOR Me.Under the horrible circumstances…………
Always such a great attitude my dear.
Love reading about your journey and even more so now I know you were and are a Social Worker. I too am a Social Worker. You asked about times when others had experienced a duty of care that got in the way of putting their needs first. The first instnace that came to mind and most poignant is personal – my daughter wanted to spend more time with her father after we separated. This was not immediately after, it took about a year for this desire to surface, she was around 14 years old. My concern related to her fathers very disengaged style of parenting – failure to realise his daughter would need space when identifying a property to rent, not initiating contact and so on. Her father kept telling her he was happy to have her spend more time and my reply to her was when he approaches me I will discuss it with him. He never did. I raised it with him several times, he never continued the conversation.
My life would have been much simpler and easier if I had allowed her to move in 50/50 with her father, however, I stood my ground and insisted he approach me and negotiate the arrangement. The reality that she never understood and still struggles with today is that despite what he said to her he did not want it. This crystalised one day when after her pestering me to allow her to move to her fathers 50/50, getting in my face daily, I called him to collect her. He told me that he did not want her there permanently as it would negatively impact on his new relationship. Despite having agreed to share the truth with her he told his daughter she had to return “because… you know Mum” (implying I was controlling). He never told her. After her return in discussing ways forward I disclosed the conversation I had had with her father (because I thought she had been told why it wouldn’t work for her to live 50/50 with him). She stayed for a while longer with me and continued to push the boundaries and insist she wanted to live 50/50 with her father and that he wanted that too. She one night she didn’t come home. I was worried sick and she was not answering my calls. Eventually she answered a call from her father and they negotiated a return home to my house without consulting or including me. I refused to allow her back home without us discussing what had happened and agreeing on reasonable expectations. She resided with her father temporarily whilst he told me he was discussing a return home with her. She is still there. Our daughter is now 23 years old.
At 21 she thanked me for being a good mother when she was younger, that she now understood what I did differently. We have been on good terms for many years now, although it took almost a year to re-build our relationship. She doesn’t seem to be able to hold the truth of her Dad’s choices in her conscious memory and whenever she struggles (as she is now) she shuts me out.