I’m very attracted to all things old right now. Houses, furniture, perennials, trees, clothes, and women writers. I’m looking to them in the hope they’ll share some secrets they know about how to be old. They all seem so satisfied with their circumstances, yet they still face the perils of severe weather, pests, moths, diseases, accidents, and other conditions that may shorten their lifespan or their ability to endure. Somewhere during this past year, I’ve accepted that I’m old and feel no shame, no despair about it. In fact, I decided to inhabit it completely and explore it as an unknown territory, much as I would a city I’ve never been to before.
When I travel to an unknown city, I don’t restrict myself to the spaces the city wants you to see, the ones you’re told to visit in travel books, the famous works of art or restaurants, the best parts of itself. I also wander through the quarters where the unwelcome live, those who are poor, those relegated to the fringes. There’s a certain kind of art in those neighborhoods too, and it’s honest. Perhaps because I’ve been a social worker those parts of the city feel familiar and I’m not afraid to walk through them because I know grandmothers, fathers, aunts, sisters, and cousins and not aliens to be feared inhabit them. This will be my approach as I investigate how I and others are “being” old. What and how we are learning as we explore the parts of being old that are achingly, exquisitely beautiful and the parts that are not. New territories as we live and work longer and are different than those our mothers and grandmothers traversed.
I’ve missed doing research and having something to investigate that makes me quiver with curiosity and anticipation at what I will find. I don’t like that I haven’t been using my Ph.D. and the hard-earned skills it brought me. So I’m researching the condition of being old from the perspective of people who are experiencing it, not the younger ones who study it. I’m starting with the literature and reading what serious women writers and scholars have written about being old; Simone de Beauvoir, Virginia Woolf, Carolyn Heilbrun, and an anthology of black women writers edited by Carleen Brice called, Age Ain’t Nothing but a Number, to name a few whose books are stacked on my bedside table. I welcome your suggestions of others. I want to continue the discussion that’s already begun on this blog; what Germaine Greer calls, “ a space wherein a woman could give an account of her own strategy for coping with old age.”
I’m going to keep saying I’m old over and over until it drains all the pejorative connotations from the word and the exuberant proclamations like, “60 is the new 40” which still seems to imply younger is better. Being old is not an either/or proposition. Our stories need to consider the different ways we experience and learn about being old based on our race, ethnicity, class, sexual identification, ability, spirituality, and class. There’s a history of groups reclaiming pejorative words used against them. So I’m reclaiming the word old because, as you know, I always believe we have the right to claim our own self-definition. I’m old and I’m going to figure out how to be old in a way to tell my story and invite you to tell me yours. I mean what’s the alternative to being old or what the dictionary defines as, “having lived for a long time”?
Probably because I’m obsessed with plants and gardens right now, I found this little device to frame questions; a rose, a bud, and a thorn. If you want to answer them from the perspective of being old, that’s fine, it can also apply to anything else: how you styled yourself this week, a relationship you’re working on, or a new project. I look forward to hearing what you have to say, as usual.
Rose: What is something that worked well for you this week?
Bud: What was something that is an area of opportunity or an idea to be explored?
Thorn: Something that isn’t working for you right now.
I am exactly not there yet age wise or mind wise but when I get there I want to be this way as you mentioned. “ I’ve accepted that I’m old and feel no shame, no despair about it. In fact, I decided to inhabit it completely and explore it as an unknown territory, much as I would a city I’ve never been to before”. Turtle hugs your way. ?????
If you have a positive perception of being old before you are you will be more likely to do the things you need to to make it a more healthy and vibrant time.
I’m struggling big time… I feel 37, look late 40’s I’m told yet I’m nearing a number I can’t even type…. After 59….. I’m fit I’m happy I’m full of energy and feel bloody young. I’m really scared about age and life running out….
Here’s the antidote… live in the now. No matter how old you are there is always the possibility you may die. As a child, you can get a terrible illness, as an adolescent be hit by a car. Since it’s almost completely out of our hands (we can do things to reduce risk) living for the day we are in right now and making the most of it means we won’t be wasting a moment of life no matter when it ends.
This is the whole thing i a nutshell. At least for me. I tried to instill this in my children, as it was not told to me. My mother thought old age meant, younger folks owed you respect and deferred to you, then took care if you til you died. At 60, I now struggle with what I innately know, and her reality, living with dementia. I MUST embrace everyday as a possible last, and also defer to her needs and frailties without fear. But with clear possibilities…
I love the questions you ask us, the readers! You engage and include us and we can’t help but feel a part of your community- thank you to you and to all who post their thoughts!!
Rose- clearing the weeds away from the emerging flowers
Bud- Still thinking about this one…
Thorn- Acting from a place of pressure!
Thank you and what a wonderful community I have, brilliant, creative, honest and real.
I am old 65. I have decided I am going to die with muscles. I’m going to work out everyday and eat right to stay in shape. I want to be the best that I can as I age.
Yay!
I feel the same. Swimming, walking and driving long distances. The good thing about being older is I have so much insomnia that it Is easier to stay awake driving. I always wondered how my mom did that.
A Rose and a Bud: I told my grandson, age 3, this week, when he was playing around: “Don’t hit Nana – I’m old.” It felt so freeing to say that and not have him argue with me. And even here, I find myself arguing the point, wanting you to know I stand on my head every morning and work full-time, among other things that somehow keep me from being “really old”? But the truth is, I’m old. I’m weary of hearing other old people say we’re not really old or that we’re not “old old.” We’re old. But the one person who doesn’t argue the point is my grandson. To him, I’m old.
That is so funny, I said the same thing to my granddaughter last week and yes she listened too! and yes it was a relief despite all the ways I and you are both still heavily engaged in the work of living,
Thanks for expressing your thoughts so well. I’ve had many conversations with myself lately – after a year of pandemic, health issues, and nearing my 70th birthday. It’s the right time to examine life and how you are going to make the most of it.
Agreed and as we live longer there are no how to manuals!
I don’t feel old in my head but my body seems to be telling me different things. I have been doing the same things for the past 20 years post children and hope to continue for longer. As I get older though I find I can’t bend to cut my toenails as easily or even see them. I get issues with my back now too. At 61 I still work full time and think it’s important to keep the body and mind active. I dye my hair, slather moituriser on my face and most people don’t think I’m as old as I am. Lately though when I look in thr mirror without contact lenses in I see brown spots and wrinkles. I sometimes wonder whether the feeling I get of congestion and stress when out in the city is down to old age creeping in and my body wanting more peace.
Or is it the impact of social media negative events and contraversy adding to the mix as well. I don’t know where my future leads apart from the fact that I will probably be dead in 20 or so years. The stark reality!
The process of aging is multi-dimensional while there are also losses there are also gains. That’s the benefit of the rose, thorn and bud exercise.
Taking melatonin so I could sleep. That worked out well.
I am going to try P.volve. I read your posts on occasion and I think today’s read was meant just for me! HA! Seriously, I signed up. I need to move and regain strength.
Playing too much bridge with too many partners isn’t working. I am going to find one person who wants to play a couple of times a week, but more importantly, someone who will take classes so we can improve together.
Can you point me to posts where you discuss your plant based diet?
I’ll be posting about that very soon.
I remember your PhD days well. I love this post. I have been thinking a lot about this age transition myself these days. I look forward to it really. Hoping there is some rest for my weary self .
Yes, we need (and deserve) some rest after a life of service for sure!
Again, inspiring. From personal experience it is difficult to switch from research/academia to, well…inactivity in a chosen field. Being old, however, has brought with the change a sense of not being in such a hurry and being able to chose additional paths. Rose-meditation and developing a positive attitude towards healing. Bud-creating new adaptations to a new challenge. Thorn-getting past feeling helpless.
I know I still keep a hand in by consulting on some national grants but with enough time to explore other things.
Hello Lyn. This was an interesting post. I like the Rose, Bud, Thorn idea. For perspective, I will be 74 next month.
My Rose: I was pleased this week to have come up with an idea for making a weird collaged birthday card for my soon-to-be 14 year old granddaughter. She has recently become interested in collage, which is something I used to do a lot of. I think she’ll enjoy the card.
My Bud: Doing this small bit of collage has inspired me to begin doing more of it once again. I have lately been concentrating on fiber arts and gotten away from my paper arts — collage, bookbinding, etc. I’ll try to take the time to do a bit of each.
My Thorn: Ah yes, there’s always a thorn. Mine has been foot problems which have prevented me from going for the long walks I enjoy taking with my beloved husband (of 55 years). I’m hoping for some improvement this year, so am thinking happy thoughts.
I’ve read and enjoyed many of the same women writers you mention. Thank you for this post.
Thank you for participating in the prompt, you remind me I am feeling a deep need to do something with my hands.
I have been aging since the day I was conceived. That takes the bitter sting out of the days I feel the aging process with all of its intensity. I don’t always like it now and can easily reflect over the decades of other times I didn’t. For example, I wouldn’t do my 20’s over again for all the money in the world as the growing pains experienced then were tremendous! Yet, I survived, thrived, grew, and gained everything I needed to make it through the next decade, and the next, and more strength and wisdom and love comes to me as I continue my journey living this human condition. Blessings to all who get lost in the process and all who find their way through.
Yes this is just like any other time in our lives. We forget that none of them were ever perfect.
It wasn’t until the COVID19 pandemic of 2020 that I realized that yes I am growing older. During the Safer At Home Order in my state, I decided to stop coloring my hair. My son and his wife were shocked that my hair was white at the roots. Little did they know that in my mid thirties I was hiding my white roots with hair color once a month. Now the length of my hair falls past the middle of my back. After my second vaccine I have decided to get my hair cut in the near future. Otherwise I will continue to look like the old hippie that I once was.
Haha me too! I was grey in my thirties and colored until I was in my late 40’s then it all became too much work.
Rose: riding my bicycle for four miles on the bike path this week
Bud: considering weight training using small hand weights and bands to firm muscles and improve posture
Thorn: gaining 15 pounds during the pandemic thru comfort food and inactivity
Hi Lyn
I am interested in this topic of “old”. I used it this week in conversation with my spouse. It is good to acknowledge how blessed we are to be alive and healthy. We have the wisdom based on years of choices in our lives to color our decisions. Thank you for your writing. As always, it makes me think.
Thanks for participating in the prompt and happy it made you think!
May Sarton, poet and author, has wonderful journals about being old. I read them when I was young and now read them when I am old.
Same here.
Highly recommend SOMEWHERE TOWARDS THE END, by Diana Athill: a beauty!
Thank you.
Have you read Nora Ephron’s (very funny) book on aging? It’s called “I Feel Bad about My Neck.”
Yes, that’s a good one.
Lyn, I love this all so much! I am 63 and delighted to have arrived at this age. I have a bud that has begun to blossom this week. I have been fascinated for some time by older women who swim and particularly those who swim in cold water! IG pictures shared by a friend of older women in their swimming costumes on the seashore in Scotland in November, and women who have taken up swimming at 50 training for a Channel swim are so inspiring! I’ve been reading books about swimming, wild swimming (mostly in Britain – haven’t found anything about it here in the US), and how our physical, mental, and emotional health are all affected by water. The bud of the idea to start cold water swimming has started to blossom this week as I ventured into our unheated outdoor pool earlier than I ever have! It was a brisk 57 degrees the first time I went in. It’s “warmed” up to 63 and today I actually swam laps! I am dreaming now of swimming throughout the year. It really is the most incredible feeling to dip down into the cold water that sort of takes your breath away and then relax into in til the cold feels wonderfully embracing and of course, invigorating. I’m continuing to learn more about the effects of cold water on the body but so far, I can affirm that it’s positive so far! A few books I’ve read and loved: Waterlog by Roger Deakin; Why We Swim by Bonnie Tsui; and Blue Mind by Wallace J. Nichols.
On another note, I’m currently listening to “If I Live to be 100” by Neena Ellis. None of these books really qualify as books written by older women but they are all good and have been a help to me as I joyfully embrace this season!
Thank you for sharing such a wonderful story and idea. The books sound interesting too. Good reads for Earth Months
I’m almost 60 and just created a “vision board” where I cut out your pose in O The Oprah Magazine as an inspiration for growing old, along with vibrant colors in nature, and a picture of a bike. My goal is to purchase an electric bicycle for the next part of my aging process. Thanks for what you’ve written here and for the inspiration.
That’s so lovely, thank you
Oh. I loved your post on wild swimming. My friends do this. It is mid winter in New Zealand now. The water is sub arctic. They are crazy and I love them.
I like to run in the beech forest. And they are big hills. I have to lift weights and do yoga to run safely and support my very old back.
I loved you story.
These are the versions I love about how to be old.
I find a lot of empowerment in visual arts – the later works of louise bourgeois, louise nevelson, alice neel, maria lassnig..
I love that, thanks for a new topic to write about and explore.
I’m 73 and I’m writing my first book. It’s about ageing well. I too think we need to change the narrative about being old and we do it by example. I believe we are rewriting the manual on being older women just as we were part of the revolutionary changes in the sixties and seventies for society and particularly for women.
However, I’m more inclined to not use the word “old” unless necessary. If someone can’t do something they used to be able to do I suggest they blame it on the actual reason rather than on “being old”. There’s a lot of negativity on ageing but it’s positivity that helps build the new mindset on getting and being old.
I first became interested in you because of your look: your edgy style and the fact that you are clearly an older woman but you carry it with huge confidence.
Congratulations on writing a book!
What is Old? I’m 62 hrs and still can’t find an answer… In the meantime, I’m enjoying Dan Buettner’s book The Blue Zone Kitchen – 100 recipes to live to 100.
Thanks Lynn for sharing your thoughts.
The Blue Zone is an excellent plan for longevity, I follow it as well.
Thank you for the lovely food for thought. And I’m all in with you on reclaiming the word old. I’m a young crone – a year and some change away from 60. And while part of me totally embraces getting older, there’s also a part of me that finds it uncomfortable. Mostly because I still feel so young inside. More and more these days, I’m figuring out what it means for me to age gracefully while still embracing my inner girl.
It’s refreshing to see more and more examples of aging with dignity and style, including you. I know that they were always there, it’s just that our pop-culture has been so youth-obsessed, any examples of old-as-beautiful were drowned out by the illusion of hard body and smooth skin perfection. So, embracing the perspective of aligning my old body with my young spirit has been was been working for me this week.
You expressed the central most disorienting characteristic of aging for me; the disconnect between who I feel I am inside and then looking in the mirror. Learning as you say to accept both perspectives.
???
I love this idea. I turned 60 a week ago and I’ve never felt more comfortable in my own skin than I do at this age.
Rose: Built some tunnels to cover my veg garden beds so I could plant my seedlings early.
Bud: I’m newly retired and it occurred to me this week that I don’t have to differentiate between week days and weekends!
Thorn: Engaging with my teenage daughter in our endless cycles of angst and argument.
Thank you for participating, so many good themes here.
Rose: Friday I talked with the Health Coach I had hired in 2019 to help me with an eating plan to give me the energy that had tanked.
Bud: Changing what I eat and when to give me more energy throughout the day.
Thorn: Not using eyeliner and lipstick to perk me up when I’m living indoors through the pandemic.
Thank you, I can so relate to the not using lipstick!
Rose: At the age of 80 ,(an octogenarian, no less and so proud of it) I accomplished some amazing creative work with my photography and on my computer.
Bud: I am getting new couches and donating my 40+ year old but still in excellent shape couch to one of my daughters. It is a Henredon and you get what you pay for. I am going to get something that is firmer and higher to make it easier for me to get up from it. With this in mind, I am looking at magazines for ideas in color and newer styles. At the age of 80 I thought I wouldn’t be spending money on things like this anymore. I suppose this means I expect to live another 15 years or so.
Thorn: I am missing my husband more than I ever thought I would, especially since I am fighting a rare illness and on high dose of Prednisone, which affects mind and body. He passed away in January 2020. He was a brilliant neurosurgeon and would have researched my illness a thousand times over and found the easiest and best way for me to deal with it. Now I am at the mercy of the docs treating me.
Thank you so much for participating in the prompt, everything about what you said is so real in the complexity of all this means for us at this time; loss, new beginnings, creativity and more.
Just thinking that none of us knew how to be any of the ages we have been. We didn’t know how to be babies , teenagers , adults, midlifers we just were. And so it is in thd final stage of life. We are just being , still learning still travelling a road we have never travelled before. I am grateful that I have been given the opportunity to experience this journey.
Well said, although there are so many how-to’s about designing a job, finding a mate what to expect when you’re expecting but not too much about how to be old. This is good because we can invent it as we go.
This title caught my attention. My sister continues to talk about age and getting older. She seems to attribute every negative event to age. It is hard not to be affected by her negativism. Although I am 7 years younger than her, young women in stores have started to use the word “Dear” when addressing me. I hate it. It feels so condescending and I feel diminished by it. So I understand my sisters negative attitude to ageing. Society really does put a premium on youth.
That is why I loved when you said you have decided to reclaim the word old; to own your age, the beauty and the pain of it. Such a wonderful concept. I am going to send her your article. I know it will touch her and perhaps open her up to owning her age herself in a much more positive, life affirming way. Thanks
Today is my birthday and for the first time ever in my extended youth I did not have a public celebration due to the pandemic. As a result of lack of recognition of the event by my friends and family nothing untoward has occurred but I find myself happy to peruse pinterest and best yet, to come across your blog which I plan to follow. I’m approaching the moment when I too will utter those words and acknowledge that I’m “old” but I’d like to see how anyone else will do that fearlessly
Happy Birthday first of all! Secondly, you’ve come to the right place there are many women here who are all in the experience together.
Rose: The weather on Ontario was great so I was able to cycle every day! Cycling makes me feel as free as a bird. I am also redefining old when I cycle. I am trying to be a role model to my grandchildren – that exercise is fun and you can do it at any age.
Bud: I retired at the beginning of the pandemic – I am still trying to decide what I want to do next!
Thorn: The pandemic has made me very unmotivated. Too much time wasted!
I am still very much interested in fashion and continue to spruce up my wardrobe. I listen to lots of podcasts and read many books. The books I am reading about aging are Growing Yound by Marta Zaraska and This Chair Rocks by Ashton Applewhite.
Thank you for sharing the prompt, it really conveys how rich and textured the experience is.
Maggie Kuhn and the Grey Panther movement she started is something to visit or revisit in your research. Your blog post begs a big question . . . when do we become “old”? And what exactly IS old? Do we know it when we see it or what?
I’m using the dictionary definition, lived a long time. As you note the experience itself can’t be quantified.
You really spoke to my experience, especially with your sentiment, “I’ve missed doing research and having something to investigate that makes me quiver with curiosity and anticipation at what I will find. I don’t like that I haven’t been using my Ph.D. and the hard-earned skills it brought me. ” I retired at the end of 2018 and have struggled with this very thing ever since. No longer Dr Roanoake, my identity has been only as mom and Nana, and the intellectual boredom is a certain path to feeling not only old but useless. It was with great relief that I rediscovered an old passion, a book in progress that I put aside and mostly forgot about in the busyness of my career. So being old is now a blessed time of fewer distractions from my research and writing of my long-lost, but still relevant interest.
I so understand, our “Dr.” was so hard-earned. Writing without the constraints of academic criteria is becoming a real joy for me. Good luck with your book.
I, too am old, and I’ve embraced that recognition without apology. I’ve earned my face, my body, my grey hair, my experience. I’m happy to be 68. I look forward to being 69 and more, if I am so blessed. Whatever “diminishing “ I face now is more than compensated by the wisdom I have accrued.
Thank you for writing this post. A woman with your following will be able to ignite a useful and empowering conversation about aging and being an old woman.
Thank you, that is my hope and the more you and share your realistic experiences the better we can empower ourselves and know what to expect.
You are my double star!
I am in the menopause and follow you make feel better..
Thanks a lot
That makes me happy
Old is not a word that can be in your vocabulary when you need survived the real word.
To be a working class person it’s an opportunity to never think about getting old, or maybe to forget about it, you will have to reinvent yourself to pay your bills! So this is an opportunity area in the real world.
Your points are well taken and that is why we must talk about the different positions from which we experience “old”
love this. old things are beautiful and valued…. people are sometimes referred to as old things…. let’s see their beauty and value.
Agreed!
The answers to the rose, thorn and bud question will be found in the Sufi book of Vadan Gayan Nirtan by Inayat Khan..
This was so beautiful to read. I’m young (31) but I like to say I have an old soul. I’m a writer, traveler and I used to work in social work too. The way you explained how you travel and go to the places most wouldn’t, because it’s honest is exactly how I feel when I travel.
I’ve enjoyed seeing your work on instagram, I’ve always enjoyed talking to old people because they are packed with wisdom. It’s inspiring and something I look forward to as I age.
Absolutely beautiful piece.
Thank you and welcome, it so important younger people stop being afraid to get old and do things early in life to make it more likely that they wil be healthier when they are older
Ahhhh, this resonates so completely with me. How to “own” aging, getting and being old. How to reframe and embrace it all as power instead of weakness, especially as a woman. Thanks for this! Must redo bedside reading pile.
I’ll post more recommendations and synopsis here.
Well said. Age is a privilege not all experience. I’m 63.
Yes it is an experience that the mainstream media has not realistically, honestly and positively conveyed. That’s what I want to do so the more my followers respond to the prompts, the more I can.
I love This! I think I love you! Thank you for contributing with your existence and for sharing your thoughts.
Thank you!
Oh, my gosh! I could write an entire essay with those prompts! Perhaps I shall and then invite you to my blog where I will post it.
It’s only recently that I have made peace with being 76,5 years young. Thank all the gods: I have mobility albeit somewhat restricted with arthritis. I’m working on reversing it. Yes, really! Only just started but I shall report back soon. It’s all about the correct diet!
Can’t wait to read your essay.
When I turned 75 in 2019 I still felt young and vibrant. Yet, with the pandemic in 2020, something changed. I think most of the world became fearful, anxious, and detached. So this year seems promising for sure. When I start to feel maudlin about aging, I find solace in nature, planting new shrubs and flowers (my rose). There is something very therapeutic about digging in the dirt and opening giant bags of mulch. My younger son, 44, is an actor in L.A., and has had his own ups and down with that profession. As an avid outdoorsman, he always found solace when surrounded by nature. His wife encouraged him to get certified in wilderness survival and now he takes groups of people into the woods and mountains with no frills and teaches them how to build a shelter out of limbs and leaves, where to find water and how to handle any and all situations that might arise. It keeps him sane. My bud is to sign up for one of his treks. The natural world around us is everywhere, we just have to enter its glorious sanctuary and let nature take its course. My thorn is my muse who doesn’t visit me as often as she used to!
Thank you so much for this lovely narrative. I love what your son is doing and I too have been taking great solace in nature especially in light of the pandemic.
Thank you for this insightful article. Here are my comments about my own oldness:
Rose: deciding once and for all not to get a neck lift
Bud: deciding once and for all to move to Lisbon, Portugal next year
Thorn: dealing with an eating disorder
Dear Susan, thanks for your honesty. Your responses help me and others figure out this new territory.
I never had a problem with ageing (I’m now 73) until I crossed the 70 mark. That one hit hard! In fact I blogged about the psychological impact of turning 70 (pre-COVID) which I’d like to share. Hope it helps. https://boomerbroadcast.net/2020/01/06/1-may-be-the-loneliest-number-but-70-is-definitely-one-of-the-scariest/
Thanks for sharing this Linda, I look forward to reading it
I love the idea of focusing on being old and what it feels like. You’ve inspired me to do something similar on my own blog posts.
Here are my three:
Rose: Swapping over to my summer wardrobe and finding clothes I had forgotten about!
Bud: I’m exploring creative writing courses – I want to stretch myself and how I communicate in print.
Thorn: Vertigo! The older I get, the more frequent it is. This week has been a nauseous nightmare.
Thank you June, this is such a realistic example fo what it like.
??????
A Rose is a Rose is a Rose. If I were to listen to others and act my age, I would be a dry pressed flower at 76. I’ve made it to this point not listening to what people were saying, why start now.
I never felt better in my life. Everyday I’m excited about what comes into view. I see everything in a creative light. I just finished my first book, a memoir about living in the Middle East. It took twenty years to write, because I am dyslexic. I post an instagram with my art works everyday. I’ve been creating tiktoks for a month (ranch_rockhenge). Not too much traction yet, but I will keep it up. Be forever creative and you will never feel old. Bliss gives energy galore!
Agreed! There are so many positive opportunities, especially as you note if you are creative but there are also realities and learning to live with both is the task.
Although I am in my forty, I have been reading you with joy and interest for several years.
In some photos you remind me of the german artist Ingeborg Ten Haeff (1915-2011).
I appreciate your new research.
Lately I find in your articles something that Michele Oka Doner called ‘rural intelligence’ and I like it.
I have a suggestion for you, a journey through words and concepts – the book 100 Whites, Kenya Hara.
I think you’ll like it! 🙂
I loved this. Thank you 🙂 It feels like life has many thorns at the moment, so rather than lay them out I wanted to recommend some additional books you might consider. Ursula K Le Guin “So Far So Good” is funny and morbid and clear eyed and poetic. The later collections of stories from Alice Munro, I think it is “Dear Life” also wonderful as are the beautiful ruminations in “Spectator Bird” by Wallace Stegner. I’m sure there are a million more 😉
Thank you for these wonderful suggestions.
Your blog post is stunning. Thanks!!
Thank you
Hi there
Being “old” still hasn’t hit me yet. I am 72 and to me age is nothing but a number. It’s quite funny at times as people will say to me you don’t look 72 or act it. I then wonder what does 72 look and act like. I have said to my husband jokingly I think I should recheck my birth certificate – maybe I am not 72.
The thorn currently is my body as something is not quite right with my hip and going up/down stairs. But I shall do stretches to get this sorted out. The rose is just enjoying nature and what every day has to offer.
With not be able to work due to COVID closure I enjoy researching various topics online. This is the bud.
Decades ago I heard the saying – she’s old before her time. I took that to mean a person is negative about life – does not enjoy life. Complains. I don’t want that to happen to me.
Thank you so much, aging is exactly as you describe, and being old does not have to be bad, it would be interesting to ask people when they make the comment about you not looking your age what they envision that age to look like. Moving past the steretypes.
I’ve come a bit late to this excellent discussion, nonetheless it really resonated and I look forward to your posts as you delve deeper into this theme. Whilst I’m 62 I’ve gone grey pretty late so it’s required minimal upkeep to appear dark however the pandemic propelled me into letting it revert to its natural state. I was really taken aback by the emotion this generated and how wedded I have been to a particular image of myself and a false pride in looking ‘younger’ than my age. Six years ago returned to been an actor after a long break so the change of image will have an impact on the work I can get in an industry that heavily contributes to our obsession with youth.
So Rose, I have a new agent who loves how I’m looking. Bud, I’m doing lots of online training to be ‘match fit’ (do you say that your side of the pond?) when jobs emerge. Thorn, I think the pandemic is going to go on longer than we hope. People here struggle to think globally and delude themselves that sorting out the UK will solve the problem.
Look forward to the results of your researches!
Thank you for sharing. I will absolutely continue this conversation, it’s time we controlled the narrative about the truth of our own lives.
I recommend the 2019 catalogue to the National Portrait Gallery (London) exhibition ‘Pre-Raphaelite Sisters’. I was struck by how much access it gave us to the female experience, in their own words and paintings, of women whom previously we’d viewed as beautiful, silent, passive props in their menfolks’ paintings of them. I was struck by a quotation from Jane Morris along the lines of, ‘it’s not getting older that i mind, it’s the indignities of it, of failing health’. Her words felt very personal and direct. I have no idea how my great great grandmothers in the Victoria era in England felt about their own ageing, it was a momentary possible glimpse into their female sphere. (The popular trope then was that they piously buried themselves in good works and Bible reading, all calm acceptance, the beatific crone.) Also I found very moving, the cottage hospital register that detailed (and it was very detailed) the infirmities of the former painters’ muse Fanny Cornforth, suffering what we would now describe as dementia. It felt very poignant, how discarded and ‘useless’ she was, now no longer young, beautiful, desirable, but she continued as a person and there are records to document her until the end of her life. No matter the ending of her life story, it was her life and her experience and it felt good to know who she was until her end, not to cherry pick the moment of her life when she was feted and celebrated.
A wonderful recommendation and reflections on it, thank you.
I used to read the blog, “Time Goes By” by Ronni Bennett. It was wonderful. She wrote about what it was like to get old in America. She was a gifted writer, but what i also really appreciated was the community of readers who wrote in with comments and their own observations of aging. Ronni Bennett died in November 2020 and no one has been able to step into her shoes. I would be so happy if you could provide a space for discussing aging in all its aspects.
Absolutely will continue this important discussion here.
Hello Lovely,
Rose: The boss for whom I work is leaving for another opportunity. I respect his leadership and skills very much. In the past, I would have moaned and groaned, but I’m 55 and can relate to moving on much better. When he told us he was leaving, I was surprised, but my first comment was, “Can I get a letter of recommendation?” He later asked why I needed a letter, to which I responded, “My time working for morons is past. In this industry, there is a good chance the next person will be someone I won’t respect. I won’t stay if that’s the case,” and then I smiled widely. He smiled back and nodded. No more subterfuge.
Bud: I have purchased a house where I want to retire, perfect small size. I want to take the time to make it mine. Picked up Blanche Wiesen Cook’s Eleanor Roosevelt Vol 2 from my bookshelf and dove right in to reactivate my energies.
Thorn: Living in a state that is not a landscape I enjoy. It makes me want to stay inside. Have to work through this.
At age 86 I’m still learning how to live my life and have throughly enjoyed this topic with all the comments. But then you always give us interesting ideas. I just checked out The Blue Zones Kitchen and intend to read some of the women writers you suggested. Thank you so very much for what you do.
Thank you, I think this can be a book, no?
What a great idea. I’d recommend anything by the English memoirist Diana Athill – perhaps particularly her autobiographical Stet and Somewhere towards the End. She lived well into her nineties, worked for years for the publisher André Deutsch, and is a wonderful example of how to live on your own terms.
Currently reading and love her!
I am so glad you/we are talking about age. I turned 60 then 61 during COVID. So my daughter and I celebrated at home. I know it’s just a number but I feel young inside and older physically. This year has rung me out. I am looking ways to rejuvenate my psyche and take care of the body so I have begun to change my life style. Here are my rose, bud, thorn. (What a great idea!)
Rose: Finally learning that to relax is a good and healthy thing to do. I began to writing and watercolor painting this year and am enjoying learning and creating.
Bud: Re-evaluating my life after a year of quarantine and working from home. I am prioritizing.
Thorn: Stuck where I live for now, however, I have decided I must leave the heat of the Valley of the Sun. AZ is just not my place. I am preparing to move back east.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts!
Amazing Post and great content. Thanks for sharing this article.
Thanks Again!!
My Blog:
https://www.motivationdrive.com
If you have not read it, I recommend a book called Tye Lioness in Winter- writing an old woman’s life. Really good and seems right up your alley. I’m a 55 yo social worker, went back to school at 50, and also very interested in aging/
Thanks for the recommendation
Rose: qualifying for Medicare.
Bud: fully vaccinated and ready to travel and do some entertaining in my home.
Thorn: My best friend is passive aggressive and has become very difficult to communicate with recently. Having a frank discussion with her is challenging. I’m no mental health care professional, but in my view I think she needs therapy. Maybe I do as well – to learn how to deal with her constructively!
Never too late for self-development, or time to find a new friend.
I appreciate your flower metaphor. As a visual learner, it resonates with my nature. It also made me think, I am definitely lacking “buds.” I have not written or taken interesting and engaging photographs is a long time. I have felt a bit thorny about life. Stuck. Right now I actually want to get going, and dust off my blog, and grab my camera, and begin to breathe again. A work in progress.
Sometimes we need to just do it and when engaged the love we have for it takes over but I completely relate to this feeling. I think the NT Times wrote an article called, Languishing that I think describes the feeling well.
This blog is just wonderful. Have you read Diana Athill’s “Somewhere Near the End”? Sounds grim but is not – just riveting & inspiring.
I have and she’s great.
I love this post. My thorn is that I’m scared of growing old and I just recently turned 49. I’m on the fence about whether to keep dying my hair, and I’m devouring a lot of literature about how to keep my body and mind young. My rose is that I love your posts because you are a wonderful inspiration for how to grow. My bud is to try to be a good role model (as you are) for younger women and to eat well, care for myself, maintain brain health, and be stylish!
Well, hopefully hanging out here will make you less afraid to be old!
Coming very late to this conversation. So struck by your dialogue and exchange. I approach 65 and am not bothered about the number, my body sign posts me to when I’m pretending to be younger and hurting myself…. I forget sometimes and attach the same past vigour to an exercise/event only to find that my physical self cannot match my internal self understanding. Am I in denial…. is there a deceit at work? It’s a bit of a shocker and am honestly still wrestling with it. Your post has put some fresh perspective, for me, on being older.
My Rose: ….not feeling less because what I can do physically has altered.
My Bud: pushing my creative side to surface, playing with clay, paint and paper
My Thorn: still being affected by outside negative perceptions of ageing
Lots of work we still have to do in regard to dismantling societal perceptions of aging. It begins with getting rid of the ones we’ve internalized ourselves.
I just loved this write up.
Enjoy all of your postings.
Thanks so much.
This is the whole thing i a nutshell. At least for me. I tried to instill this in my children, as it was not told to me. My mother thought old age meant, younger folks owed you respect and deferred to you, then took care if you til you died. At 60, I now struggle with what I innately know, and her reality, living with dementia. I MUST embrace everyday as a possible last, and also defer to her needs and frailties without fear. But with clear possibilities…
Thank you for sharing your story.
If it’s not already in your stack of books, you might enjoy “Composing a Life” by Mary Catherine Bateson. She writes that life is a work in progress. Something you already know, of course.
Indeed it is, thanks for the recommendation.
I’m 74 with 75 only a few months away. When I went back to college at 51 to complete my bachelor’s and master’s in social work I took a class that categorized old age. 65-74 young old, 75-84 middle old and 85+old old. I found this both hilarious and ridiculous. What’s the point. I prefer to say I’m older because to me that means that I’m still mentally busy exploring, learning and experiencing life. At 70 I became a mixed media fiber artist, think art quilts but add, paints, inks, fibers, beads and anything else I feel will enhance my work. It’s the process and opening up to new ways to doing things that attracts me. Although I have several significant health conditions that limit me physically, I don’t let that stop me from being a participant in this marvelous thing we call life. I love your blogs and feel that we share a lot of the same perspectives on life. Thanks for sharing with us older folks.
You’re an inspiration and am inspiring me right now to learn a new craft.
I see myself as vintage. Am learning to stay calm when concerns arise, rose, (not always though, so a thorn) An opportunity is to get out more and visit with friends, bud.
Rose ? Realising that I have an Avoidant Attachment style – it explains a lot and enables me to stop beating myself up about relationships and my need to shut down emotionally. Knowing this has made me reassess my reactions. Knowledge is Power.
Bud ? What to do with this new insight….how to expand my mind further. How ro reawaken my passion for life. Trying to let go of what I ought to do and choose instead what I want to do !
Thorn ? Trying to please people. Time is too short.
Thanks for your blogs !
Sounds like you are in a process of understanding and exploration.
This gave me an epiphany. Thanks for your honesty, you helped me see a thorn more clearly and realistically.
My pleasure.
I had a nasty health scare. My Rose was that I asked to stay with friends. They ran a hot bath, with candles and flowers. I ate nourishing food and slept and walked and stretched a little. I asked for and was able to pause and restore.
The Bud…. I asked the godesses to take my need to be productive all the time and to tuck it under their wings. Ha.. maybe they ran the bath for me and disabled my brain so I couldn’t do… do anthing.
What lovely friends you have and what a wonderfully beautiful remedy
Loving your writings. We too have recently acquired a new old house (1786) in the Hudson Valley. The landscape has been overgrown for over a year, so now it’s mostly all about the uncovering (and planting a few quick-gratification perennial beds). Which seems symbolic in this, my 68th year, as I also look to uncover a narrative about “how to be old.” Can you believe there were a gazillion lamium “purple dragon” plants living happily under a brush pile? I take that as a sign. I’ll be following your journey with interest and with my ear to the wall of my own new old house in hope of uncovering its secrets.
We’re the same age and doing exactly the same thing. We’re waiting to see what we have too.
Read May Sarton on aging.
Reading her right now On Seventy.
Getting old is a privilege – it means that we can still learn, grow and expand. 🙂
I was charmed by your article sent to me by a good neighbors and afterwards had coffee with a 70 something male former
producer who spoke about the necessity for ‘taking care’ of one’s health, he having lost two amazing friends – bikers – one
in his 40’s and the other 55. I don’t think your article need be directed at women only, and in fact have now sent it
to my brother and several other males because males, no matter their bonding, truly don’t talk with each other about
their inner feelings of age. My 70 something former producer here in LA is an exception. I am 78 and also want to write a book
and will definitely follow you on Instagram and find the authors you recommend. Truly a beautifully written blog/article.
Thank you for your inspiration.
Thanks for this. Struggling with my writing today and really needed to hear this.
Rose: What is something that worked well for you this week?
I enjoyed the beach on my two last days of vacations and got a good design solution for my new website I’m going to release.
About fashion: wearing my second hand red crochet top under my velvet black jacket and styling it with the crochet’s cuff showing; weared it with my flower printed purse and a blue neckerchief
Bud: What was something that is an area of opportunity or an idea to be explored?
To redesign de visual identity for my youtube channel;
About fashion: thinking about creating a dress inspired on the crochet top I have;
Thorn: Something that isn’t working for you right now
My plans to move to Portugal must be postponed due to money and more time for bureaucracies…
About fashion: My super mini gold skirt is no longer suiting fine on me; once was cute now is getting quite vulgar…
Love this!
Really love your blog! love your writing is so inspiring!! I love the way you look at things and how you start to reflect and compare issues of age with time in such a poetic way <3
Thanks so much, I needed to hear this today.
this is a really important time for me … now I am accustomed to my children’s emancipation, I have so much more time to devote to creative things; at 60 I learnt to ride a motorbike; a GREAT pleasure; I have taken a writing course, and I attend music events on my own; this doesn’t bother me.
But to adjust to this strange face in the mirror, and to ponder that one day, there will be no-one older than me, is a very curious concept, and doesn’t sit quite right yet. The new contexts of my life need odd adjusting … will men still feel I’m attractive? Can I wear chic satin trouser if my body is not a model’s one; how long can I count on being healthy and active; how will I cope low level pain; what mastery do I have over my future?
This is a very important study, and it’s wonderful to have a very authentic voice gathering and collating this information
Thank you for sharing this. I think we all need to write new stories about how to be old.